Warning: article includes discussions of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, etc.
Having a mental health disorder is exhausting. For the longest time, I felt completely out of control in my own body and mind. It’s hard to accurately describe to people what it feels like to have something else manipulating your every move –– to have a nagging, toxic voice whisper in your ear that you’ll fail your assignment, you’re a burden on others, or you aren’t skinny enough.
The endless round of highs and lows of a mental health disorder can suck the energy out of a person. While the effects of a psychological issue appear differently for everyone, mine focused on a lack of control. I like to describe it to people as a force inside of me grabbing the steering wheel of my mind and shoving my rational self aside. For a year, it felt like no matter what I tried, I would be watching from afar as this manipulative toxin caused me to crash and burn.
And yet, here I am. After all of this time, I’m still standing. To make matters even more confusing for my anxiety, I’m actually… happy? But the little voice in my head (yes, it’s little now) can’t seem to comprehend that I’m okay. I’m here, I’m smiling, and I’ve gone from having one or two panic attacks a day to having one or two panic attacks every two months.
The road to conquering my anxiety hasn’t been easy, and it was by no means one full of sunshine and daisies. I even hesitate to refer to it as being in the past tense, as my mental health will always be something I struggle with in life. My anxiety is even reacting to this right now, afraid that I may come across as bragging and make someone feel isolated –– my intent is not to do that at all. I just want to share my story and (hopefully) make someone out there feel a little less alone.
That being said, I can now safely say that I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I did something really hard and I didn’t give up. On some days, it was almost unbearable, and on others, it was hardly an issue. Through therapy, journaling, and other support systems, I’ve managed to get to a place in my life where I feel genuinely okay –- but how do I cope with that?
Overcoming something as difficult as a mental health disorder can leave a lot of empty space in one’s mind, and that isn’t always the easiest to cope with. In my personal experience, I found myself expecting my anxiety to flare up, anticipating that next moment of fear and tension. When something so intense has felt like a part of you for so long, it’s hard to not have it around, no matter how much you hated it.
So how does one become okay with being okay?
I want to start by saying that, if you’re reading this, I’m proud of you. You’re taking an interest in mental health and working towards a greater understanding. Whether you’re simply taking a glance while scrolling through the website, trying to understand what a friend or family member is going through, or trying to cope with being okay for yourself, I’m glad you’re here.
In all honesty, I haven’t quite figured out how to be okay with being okay yet (and that’s okay!).
One thing that helps is reading through my old journal entries to remind myself of how far I’ve come in my journey. I also like to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished; it can help to have a mantra of remembrance, such as “one bad day does not demolish all of the good” when your mental health flares up again.
There is no one solution to a person’s mental health needs. You may feel like you’re drowning in the sound of your mind, or you could be confident in your growth. Either way, try to live in that moment, embrace that feeling, and know that things will get better (or stay better).
If there’s one thing that I hope you take away from this article, it’s this: you are not alone in your journey, and it is okay to be okay.
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