Trigger warning: this article discusses topics related to eating disorders, depression, and anxiety.
The gym has always been a complicated place for me.
A place where so many people find inspiration, and positivity, and become the strongest version of themselves, was also the place that brought me so much confusion, frustration, and negativity.
Where was I going wrong? Why did working out feel like a chore rather than an act of appreciation for my body? Why was I always so focused on results instead of just enjoying the self-care I was doing for myself?
Through therapy and an intensive eating disorder recovery program, I learned why I felt this way about my body and exercise. I discovered that exercise, to me, was a means to keep my eating disorder alive. More importantly, I realized that it was a way for me to avoid the negative thoughts and feelings I didn’t want to process or face.
I found that whenever I showed up to the gym, I didn’t arrive with the mindset of exercising to take care of my body. Instead, I was showing up because I believed that I deserved to punish my body. I was convinced I had to make up for whatever food I had consumed that day, or I was preparing for the weekend because I knew I would feel guilty by Sunday for everything I would be eating.
I wasn’t showing up to the gym to feel good about myself. I was showing up to make myself feel even worse, and I quickly found out that exercise wasn’t a means to feel good about myself, but rather a way to avoid how I was really feeling: anxious and depressed.
Over the past year, I’ve had time to reflect on my growth since I was discharged from the IOP program I was participating in for ED treatment. While my growth hasn’t been anywhere near perfect, I am starting to learn and finally embrace that this growth isn’t supposed to be linear.
Recently, I’ve been working really hard to stay in the present moment. When I stay in the present moment, my anxiety doesn’t spiral out of control; instead, I’m able to be mindful and relaxed. When I was deep in my eating disorder behaviors, I was actively trying to ignore the thoughts and feelings I was having in the present moment. Thus, I would be showing up to the gym as a way to avoid those negative thoughts and feelings. Spoiler alert: using unhealthy behaviors to avoid negative emotions often results in the perpetuation of more negative feelings.
For me, staying in the present is really difficult. The future terrifies me and I’m constantly worried about moving on to the next part of my life. For many seniors like me, I’m sure you can relate. The relentless barrage of job applications, questions about my future career, and not knowing where I’ll even physically be, sends my head spinning.
However, I’ve found that it’s the little things that I try to use to keep me grounded in the present moment.
Most days, it’s going to get a chai at People’s and try to enjoy quiet moments by myself. On other days, it’s walking home from the bus stop and admiring the natural beauty of Amherst in the fall. Journaling has also been a huge outlet for me recently. Instead of using negative coping behaviors, I can write down exactly how I’m feeling and just get it all out. When I use negative coping behaviors, like body checking, doom-scrolling on Instagram, or avoiding a meal, I’m unable to process how I truly feel at a given moment.
I’m no longer working toward a relationship with exercise because I want to change how I look or to punish myself. Instead, I’m working toward it because I believe that it really can be a healthy outlet for processing emotions and thoughts. I want to be able to go to the gym and not worry about what my legs look like in the mirror, but instead get excited because I can feel and see myself getting stronger.
Recovering from my eating disorder is not just a process I have to go through; recovery is a choice that I have to make every day. Without being in the present moment, I’d never be able to make the choice that feels most important to me.
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