I’ve been in therapy for almost four years, and my therapist once told me that she has a theory. Those who are the brightest are those who suffer the most emotional distress. I like to think that there are grounds to base this hypothesis on, and that she wasn’t just trying to make me feel better. I do think that there is some truth to it. The smartest people I know are those who are constantly thinking about whatever it may be. The problem with that is that it can lead to the monster that many of us know all too well: overthinking.
My tenth grade English teacher once told me something that I think about often. (Clearly, there is a pattern here, being that someone tells me something interesting and it never leaves my head). She said that I was so in tune with my emotions that it was refreshing. It took me a while to realize that not everyone was as emotionally aware as I was, and trust me when I say that I realized this the hard way. That being said, I think that there is certainly something to be noted about those who think about their emotional wellbeing often. Those who analyze every single feeling, try to get to the root of every problem, and spend hours on end scrutinizing any interaction, conversation, or situation. It’s pretty logical in all honesty; the more you think, the more there is to worry about, the more substance there is to nitpick, and the more room there is to feel anxious, or upset.
I’d like to start off by saying what every single person who is in therapy has to say: Everyone. Needs. Therapy. Truly. If you are fortunate enough to have access to it, I could not recommend it enough. Whether or not there is anything particularly problematic in your life, being able to talk about your feelings is a blessing.
My biggest pivotal moment was realizing that my mind was the source of everything that happened in my life. This statement is obviously confusing, so I will explain it a little better. Essentially, everything can be traced back to your thoughts. Your thoughts create your feelings, which create your actions, which is in essence, the entirety of how you live your life put into three different categories. Think about it. You only act a certain way because you feel like you should. You only feel a certain way because you think thoughts that lead you to feel that way. For example, to strip it down to the most simple of terms, you think the thought of not having showered in a few days, then you feel dirty, so you act on it by taking a shower. This set of interactions is the basis of how your life unfolds. Stripping something as complex as a life into three simple categories is crazy, but when you realize that it’s true, your world changes–at least mine did.
To take this a little further, I read a book once, ‘The Untethered Soul’ by Michael Singer. It talked about the voice in your head, which is really just the voice of your mind (in other words, the voice that creates your thoughts, which lead to your feelings, which lead to your actions). I learned that there is nothing more important to truly growing and healing than realizing that you are not the voice of your mind, but rather, that you are the one who hears this voice. If you observe your thoughts objectively, you will come to realize that much of what your mind is saying is quite literally meaningless. Most of your thoughts are just a waste of energy, and a pain in the ass. We fail to realize that much of our lives will unravel pursuant to forces far outside of our control, no matter what our minds have to say about it.
Singer said something that stuck with me: “It’s like sitting down at night and deciding whether you want the sun to come up in the morning. The bottom line is, the sun will come up and the sun will go down. Billions of things are going on in this world. You can think about it all you want, but life is still going to keep on happening”.
I couldn’t help but to connect this to what I had learned in therapy, about the power of your thoughts. Thoughts are literally exactly that, just thoughts. They are as powerful as you make them out to be. When you realize that, you realize that the voice in your mind has a much less significant impact on your life than you think it does. The only thing that your thoughts do is affect you. They either make you feel better, or worse, depending on how you look at a situation. Singer uses the example of spending your time hoping that it doesn’t rain tomorrow. The voice in your head is telling you your day would be undoubtedly better if it didn’t rain. But if you spend your time hoping that it doesn’t tomorrow, you are wasting your time. Your thoughts don’t change the rain. You have no control on the rain.
I have friends who have lost their mother, or their father, and sometimes both. My cousins lost their mother at the ages of 9 and 12. While I have been exposed to loss, I’m fortunate to have two living parents, and four living grandparents. I recognize that I’m extremely privileged to be able to say that the day my dog died was the worst day of my life. I remember telling my therapist that I had no idea how I would ever be okay again. Truth be told, I’m definitely still not okay–but I’m learning how to be. My therapist (Dana) told me that that feeling, of me feeling like I was never going to be okay again, was literally just the product of a thought. She reminded me of the skills that I had learned so many times before, over and over again. Obviously, it’s difficult to apply these strategies when it’s your own situation, but it’s so easy to give this advice to others. I’m sure people have felt the same way. I was thinking to myself that I was never going to be okay, so I started feeling depressed, which is why my actions resulted into me not being able to get out of bed, and needing my friends to come over and distract me.
I want to emphasize that it is not my intention, by any means, to belittle anyone’s feelings. If you are suffering loss, you need to mourn, it’s one of the necessary steps to healing. But, it is important to realize the role that your thoughts have in your healing process. In the Untethered Soul, Singer stresses that you will someday come to see that there is no use for the incessant internal chatter that is the voice of your mind. In my case, it was telling me I would never be okay again; in your case, it could be something different. But the point is, there is no reason to constantly attempt to figure everything out, to think about every little thing. You will realize, like therapy has allowed me to, that the real cause of your problems is not life or the situation itself. IT is actually the commotion that the mind, and consequently, your thoughts make about your life, that really causes the problems. Recognizing this, and being able to shift those thoughts into positive ones, will do you wonders. I promise you.