Sometimes life hits us hard, and for some of us, life has been hitting hard for a long time. Always waiting for the shoe to drop is exhausting, but because it always has, it feels good to be prepared. But that shoe waiting to trip you hasn’t dropped for awhile. So let life be easy. Let yourself be happy.
I’ve had a bit of an emotional rollercoaster thus far in life that’s been tricky to get off of; struggling through loss, tragedy, anxiety, and heartbreak was the cup of tea I was dealt while still strapped to the ride. I learned to cope and be strong for those around me while putting up a guard of my own, but something I’ve noticed quite recently is that my life has been oddly really good. Like really really good, and I feel like I can’t bring myself to enjoy it because I am waiting for another tragedy to strike and to feel the devastation I have felt so many times before. It’s this process of not letting yourself get too comfortable because there has always been another shoe, and that shoe usually drops so hard it adds another brick to the wall you’ve built up around yourself. It’s this process of waiting that is so excruciatingly exhausting.
But what’s happening now that’s far worse is me trying to create more reasons to keep building higher and higher. I have found myself in a modes of self-sabotage. It’s easier to break others’ hearts than have your own shattered, to not get close because you’ve felt loss, to not adventure because you’ve experienced loneliness, to not care because to care is to worry and worry is anxiety. To react means to overreact, because hard feelings boil just below the surface. Trying to push away those who mean most, but the pushing doesn’t always mean leave but instead to see how much they can handle, because you know better than most that your life can be a lot to handle.
Happiness is hard when you’ve been emotionally drained. But not everyone is out there to break your heart. Us women with our walls built high need to learn to let others tend to our needs, to support us, to love us. It really, truly is a learning curve to let the world take us on this ride when it’s going well. But it’s so much more fun when we let it take us where it wants us to be. And though you’ve been hurt it is worth the fight, worth the curve, worth the risk.
I am so thankful for every single struggle I’ve fought through because it put me in a place I am in life right now, and I am slowly learning to be at peace with myself. Having felt heartbreaking loss, but then letting someone in who loves and supports me unconditionally while also returning the affection, has been monumental. To go out and adventure without fear of pain, but for the sake of a new story. To care because to care means to love, and to love means to feel full. To break the hardness that’s surrounded me because I’m learning to choose happiness. And it is so worth it.
all images are courtesy of pinterest