In my earliest memories, I have a racket in my hands. I’ve heard this story a million times so I know it’s true, but when I say that my dad decided I was going to play tennis just a few days after I was born, just know that it’s the absolute truth. 2005 US Open Final, Andre Agassi vs. Roger Federer. That was the day my dad found his calling in a sport. At the age of 5, he placed a racket in my hands and carved out a life plan for me. It was supposed to be so simple: become a professional tennis player or go to college and play D1. Little did we know that my life would take many turns and not result in any of those outcomes.Â
When you’re so young and malleable, it’s very easy to develop an unhealthy relationship with your body, especially when people in your ear are constantly reinforcing those feelings. When I was younger, I suffered from body insecurity. To say it’s not there anymore would be a lie, but today I am a lot more comfortable in my body and know that I am the healthiest version of myself. It doesn’t matter that I’m not as skinny as I used to be because I am so much more than just being skinny. I am strong, I have endurance, and I have confidence in myself. I wish little me had the confidence in herself that I have today, as she would have been much happier. I used to think that I was self-confident when I was younger, but confidence doesn’t mean only believing that I’m pretty if I stay in the size 0 to size 2 range. Confidence doesn’t mean thinking that skinny is the epitome of being fit or believing that having curves is “unhealthy”. I look back on my thought process when I was younger and see the toxicity of my beliefs.Â
When I was at my skinniest, I was also at my unhealthiest. Even though I was competitively training for 6 hours a day (and completing additional fitness sessions on top of that), I had an unhealthy relationship with food, wasn’t actually doing workouts that worked for my body, and reached an all-time-low for my mental health. That is what eventually led me to quit competitive tennis in my sophomore year of high school. Mental health is such a difficult concept to wrap your head around—it’s hard to think that your own mind can turn against you, and it’s even harder to understand mental health struggles when your immigrant parents don’t believe in them. My parents know how important mental health is now, but they only know that because they saw my struggles during high school and college. Before college, my entire life was centered around tennis. I missed birthday parties for tennis. I did online schooling for tennis. I never went to homecoming or prom or walked across the stage at graduation. All of these experiences were sacrificed for tennis, and it wasn’t worth it to me. I didn’t want to live the rest of my life spending most of my time on sports. I wanted to live the life of every other college student, even if it might not come with all the perks of being a student athlete. So I did. And for the first time in my life, I was truly happy.Â
Fast forward to today, and now I would say that I am the healthiest version of myself. I love waking up early to work out, whether through a Pilates class or a run. And these workouts actually work for my body. I am able to see improvement and am stronger overall. Even though I work out less than I did when I played tennis, these workouts are making more of a difference than my previous workouts ever did. The workouts that I do now are actually meant for my body, and I actually want to work out now. When I was younger, I would dread having to work out because it felt like an extra chore, but now working out motivates me because I feel better throughout the day.Â
While my mental health still has many ups and downs, I’ve learned to manage it. I still hit rough spots and feel like my world is folding in on itself, but taking a few moments for myself each day—whether that be through a walk or journaling—has helped me stay sane.Â
Rebuilding how I view myself after being a competitive athlete has been a journey, but the most important thing I have learned is that looking a certain way isn’t everything. The most important thing is to feel healthy and strong and confident in your body. You don’t want to have to choose between your mind and your body. Rather, you want to find a balance. Your mind and body work together to support you, so it is important to show them the same amount of love. There are certain things that I haven’t been able to let go of from my days as an athlete, but, with time and patience, I am taking a step in the right direction every day.