It was the winter semester of my freshman year at one of the most prestigious institutes in the country. I was finding it hard to concentrate not only on my school work but handling everyday tasks. My grades were beginning to drop because the only thing I could focus on was working at a local pub on campus. I blamed my issues on working too many hours during the school week, but that excuse didn’t even come close to what my real issue was: My real issue was (and still is) something that many people feel uncomfortable talking about. Can you guess what it is? No? I’ll give you some helpful hints: I felt worthless, like I had no right to live any longer — not even a single second more. I thought I was as a failure because I based my self-worth on some silly grade I received my first year of classes. I constantly thought about how life would be better – for everyone – if I were to disappear or die. I struggled every single day: I struggled waking up, climbing down my lofted bed, to taking a shower, eating anything before work, even attempting the homework that was as blank and flimsy as I felt.
This, my friends, is my saddening, emotional, and beautiful story of realizing I had depression. Really? Depression, Cheyenne? I know, I thought maybe I was immune to that negative “crazy” illness too, but truth be told we all will face mental illness one point in our lives, and that’s okay. The moment I realized I had depression, I felt worse. I felt like the biggest failure in the family and in the entire world. I even had some of those awful thoughts confirmed by a few individuals that told me I disappointed them, didn’t live up to their expectations, that I couldn’t handle a BIG 10 school because I had barely gotten here in the first place. That I somehow got in as a fluke. Let me tell you a little secret, those people — those toxic, manipulative doubters — are wrong. You want to know why they’re wrong? Because who you are IS enough. Who you are is beautiful. You are a warm hearted, kind, loving individual. And you know what else? Grades do not reflect who you are as a person. Grades cannot even come close to capturing the beauty of your heart and mind! All of the beautiful, artistic thoughts that swim around in your head are beautiful and unique, just like you.
And lastly I would like to say this: do not waste another second of your time worrying about the doubters and the naysayers because I guarantee you there is someone (maybe even a few individuals) out there who sees your beauty. You may not see it now, but I want you to fight back – as I did – and take back your heart and mind. Remind yourself that you are a masterpiece. Take a break from what’s tiring your soul. Take time to heal your body and mind. There will always going to be a few critics, but remember, there will also be those who recognize your brilliance, those who admire you for all that you are. You have that potential, because you matter. You are more than enough. You are a masterpiece.
Images courtesy of: exposingtruth.com and To Write Love on Her Arms