As students, I think we typically place an exorbitant amount of pressure on ourselves to do the most. Take the most classes, be in the most extracurriculars, be involved in the most research, etc. This semester, I definitely fell victim to this mentality. I took 22 hours of classes, six of which were research seminars, and on top of that, worked two part-time jobs, as well as traveled for debate at my former community college. Needless to say, it was overwhelming in the worst way.
Everything was great at first. I had my organized calendar with all of my due dates, and I was on top of it. Then one of my long-term friendships imploded, and I was left in a horrible depressive episode for a week. I was diagnosed with chronic depression two years ago, and while medicine has helped enormously, triggering events like this still leave me temporarily immobile. I didn’t get out of bed for a week. I missed all of my classes, ignored all of my work, didn’t talk to anyone at all. This was definitely the turning point in the semester, and, to be honest, I still haven’t recovered. I still feel behind on work, and as much as I’ve tried to reintegrate into my social circles, things don’t feel the same as before.
I’ve tried forcing myself to get things done, throwing parties, and initiating hangouts with my friends more, but there’s still that little part of me that feels so empty. What’s worse is that I love school. I love going to classes, I love learning and seeing my friends. I’ve always said that if I could clone myself and go to every single class offered at UT, I’d do it.
It’s been a very hard adjustment going from that, to not even being able to make it to class. And if I’m being honest, I just feel like it’s too late to try to make it better. We only have two weeks left in the semester, and I feel like a failure. I don’t want to disappoint my family or myself, and I feel like I’ve already let everyone down. And I know this isn’t the case, and I know that I’m not the only one feeling this way, but it’s been a process in and of itself just trying to get over this mentality.
I’m now trying to recover. I’ve been forcing myself into a routine, and that has been helping a lot. I’ve begun waking up at the same time everyday, eating at least three meals a day, setting aside time for my friends, and prioritizing self-care. Even just taking off my makeup and brushing my teeth at night are habits I’ve been forcing myself to keep. There’s been a lot of Dance Moms binging, lots of naps, and so much procrastination, but I slowly feel like it’s getting better, and summer is almost here to give me the reset I’ve been desperately needing.
I want anyone who feels this way to know that you’re not alone. I’ve talked about how I’ve felt to a lot of my friends, and most of them have expressed feeling the exact same way at one point or another. There’s so much pressure on us as students—as people, and as members of our community—to do well and not be affected by extenuating circumstances. However, that’s not possible, nor is it a reasonable expectation to have so many young adults just trying to succeed.
Try to talk to your friends, your family, your professors. Everyone that you’re scared of disappointing. They are people too, and simply communicating is over half the battle. If you let others know that you’re struggling, they tend to be more lenient, forgiving, and understanding. Even though it’s hard, try to make that leap. Fight to take care of yourself and to get yourself to that better place, and we can do it together.