This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Falmouth chapter.
I’m generalising university students when I talk about how we’re so young. But we have all got to an age where the people we start dating, we’ll either break up with them, marry them, or someone dies. Quite a depressing thought isn’t it? But we’re still young enough to be able to prioritise the work we put into certain relationships.
What I’m talking about here isn’t about family or friends. Those relationships we have perfected over the years, more will come, some will go, you know the story. But are we a generation so obsessed with what other people are doing, even who they’re doing, information that we can all access via social media such as Facebook, Twitter, that we have started to abandon ourselves? We need to nurture the relationship we have with ourselves in order to maintain brilliant relationships with other people.
I’ll come right out and say it, however hard it may be, but it’s no secret to my friends or family that I suffer heavily from depression and anxiety. I’ve been at war with myself for a good number of years and to tell you the truth it’s a long, hard, pointless battle. But it’s ongoing and it’s something that I’ve only just started to feel comfortable talking about, hence this article. But the thing is that I know I’m not alone. I don’t need to justify myself, I don’t need to explain it to you, it’s personal, and it is what it is. But the only way to stop the stigma, and accept it for what it is, is to talk about it. Sort of like how Caitlin Moran at The Times shared an article about her abortion – slightly more controversial, but there are many who relate to it. (Warning this is a rather long-winded article, but trust me it has a happy ending!)
Student support comes with counselling; a safe little office with funky chairs and a box of tissues where you can discuss your issues with someone who’s paid to comfort you, analyse you, appreciate your difficulties and help you with them. From honest experience, I can say it is helpful. It’s the trickiest step; the first, but the most effective. In serious honesty I can admit it’s a hell of a lot more effective than discussing your issues with your friends. I love my friends, we’re all there for each other. I love my family, they’re beyond supportive. But this battle I’m fighting is personal, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help.
1 in 3 of us will suffer from depression for a variety of time periods at some point in our lives. It’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. In a generation of advanced technology, where you can google your symptoms, we forget that we’re all human; everything we are has a sense of normality because, despite the fact we’re all different, we’re all the same really. We all experience a jungle of emotions and it’s perfectly okay to express them. Compressing them, on the other hand, is not productive at all.
We are at an age where we’re dating, having sex, maintaining relationships, but also trying to “find ourselves”, but some are afraid of the cliche, so they just carry on and pretend they’re doing ok. Some of us travel, some of us endorse ourselves in our work, some experiment with drugs and wreckless behaviour, and some of us – or maybe it’s just me – are too anxious to do any of those things, so we curl up and hope that fear and depression goes away one day.
I’ve recently been dating a guy who had the loveliest things to say about my body, my personality, my humour. But I’ve been at such a long war with myself that all of my defences have gone up, to anyone who even tries getting close, to anyone who wants to know “too much”. I hated telling him about the last few years, admittedly difficult years; previous bad boyfriend experiences, and all the insecurities that had been planted and nurtured in all that time. I don’t really do dating. I feel safer on my own because then I don’t have to bare all, because when I do, I fuck it up. Obviously it failed, we failed and I only had myself to blame, queue the million more insecurities that came from that. Until I went home for the weekend and I had an epiphany: I don’t need a relationship with a nice guy to “fix me”, no one in my age group, no one can fix me. I realised the relationship I really need to work on is one with myself.
I’m no psychologist, just a human experiencing human things. I’ve been fighting with myself for so long I forgot how to be friends with myself. It sounds so cheesy doesn’t it? That’s another insecurity – what other people will think if I start to like myself, yet I contradict myself when I say I honestly don’t care what people think of me. Again, I’m only human.
So where do I go, where does anyone go from here? The counsellor’s office? The bar with the best booze? Here’s the truth: no one, not even myself, needs to go anywhere. It’s all in your head! So these are a few things to think about when you’re making the effort to enjoy life. You only get one. I only get one. I don’t know about you, but I’d do anything to enjoy it!
1. Selflessness. Have you ever noticed that doing something for someone else makes you feel good? “Good deed of the day” is something you should aspire to achieve on a daily basis. Something small like holding the door for someone, smiling at people, offering help or advice to someone, picking up litter that’s not even yours, giving someone a compliment; or something nice like cooking a meal for your friends, buying someone a drink, volunteering at a charity shop, raising money for a good cause etc. When you’re depressed you get some sense of self-obsession. You curl up into yourself, everything and everyone else is just irrelevant, because you feel like shit, and quite rightly that’s your priority. But getting out of your own little world and improving someone else’s a little bit, at your expense or not, is a very nice, rewarding feeling.
2. Communication. Talk to people. Not your counsellor about your problems. Talk to your friends, your tutors, your peers, your family. About anything you like – what’s on TV, what music you’re listening to, an event that’s coming up, ideas you have, the future. There’s 7 billion people on this planet,everyone knows roughly 200 of them each, everyone has about 10 “close friends”, so there are no excuses not to talk to someone. There are a million topics in this versatile world, there are still no excuses.
3. Health & fitness. As students, not much of us can spare a monthly allowance toward a gym. But lucky for us there’s this place… It’s called “the outside world”. Yoga classes on the beach – we are in Falmouth, after all; going for a run, even only for half an hour. It’s not just about getting active and doing some exercise, you need to look after yourself from the inside to feel good and look it on the outside.
4. Gratitude. Be grateful. Things are never as bad as they seem. Make a list of all the good things going on in your life. In fact, make two lists, one of all the bad, another of the good (do the good one last, trust me). This will make you dwell only for the amount of time it takes you to write the lists and look over them. If you appreciate the bad things for what they are, have an incentive to change the ones you can, and accept what you can’t. Then write your list of good things: people, things, personal attributes. There is always more than one.
5. Suprise! Spontaneity is the most underrated concept in this world. To-do lists, deadlines, they hold us back from living. Sometimes it’s good not to plan things, just decided one day that you’re going to the beach, or treating yourself to a spa day, going shopping. Don’t plan it, that’s the point. Take this idea further and try something you’ve never done before: water sports, like surfing; meet new people by joining societies within the university.
6. Ambition. Set goals for yourself. If you have an aim, it gives you a great sense of achievement when you’ve got it. Whether it’s saving up your money for something expensive, getting a first on your assignment, acing that yoga position. Don’t ever stop once you’ve got there though, keep going, keep pushing yourself. Aim for a sense of pride above everything. You’re great, you’re human, you can do anything.
7. Bounce back. Depressed or not, everyone has bad days. Everyone has moments where things don’t go their way. In the wise words of the Rolling Stones “you can’t always get what you want”. That’s life, at this age, we should have all accepted it by now, I’m not going to patronise you. But find ways to make something good out of a bad situation. Every cloud has a silver lining. Even the worst things can have a positive outcome, element or just a happy surprise. A light at the end of the tunnel and all that jazz. But for the meanwhile, if you’re dealing with some corner of hell you find yourself in, find a positive way to deal with it. For example, after a break up, or an argument with a guy, I find myself at the gym – which isn’t a bad place to be – I feel better after a workout. If I feel stressed about work, I spend an hour at a yoga class. If I have writer’s block I go for a long walk, and end up somewhere near the beach – cannot complain!
8. Pamper. This is by far my favourite feel-better activity. If you haven’t got a man to give you a big cuddle, or your mum to take you out for lunch, and your friends are busy, I find taking it upon myself to make myself feel better can work. Treat yourself like your best friend. Give yourself advice on your situation like you would to a friend going through the same thing and make sure you follow it. You don’t even need to spend a large amount of money, or even anything at all. But here’s my little regime:
– Turn off Facebook. Turn off your phone so no one can bother you. Me-time means no one else but me. Don’t worry yourself with updates of other people’s lives.
– Pick up a book. We all have books, those ones that you’re too busy to read normally. Reading gives you an opportunity to escape from real life. It’s a bit healthier than watching TV. Everything’s quiet, you can keep it calm. This is also something great to do before bed, as it tricks your brain into feeling that you’re tired.
– Girly stuff. Facemask, foot bath, manicure, pedicure. Once you look good, you feel good. Facemasks exfoliate and soften your complexion, resulting in a beautiful glow. A warm, bubbly foot bath is better than a massage (for me, I just hate people touching my feet!)
– Have a bubble bath. For me, showers are the reason I over think. In the bath I practice “mindfulness”, in a nutshell it means don’t expect to think of a blank canvas, thinking is a natural human process, you can’t not have thoughts going through your head. What you have to do is calm your mind, and just acknowledge every thought that comes into your head, and let it go, ready for the next one. Don’t dwell, just accept it, and move on from it. If you want to practice this really helpful tool, I recommend a book called The Mindful Way Through Depression by Jon Kabat-Zinn which comes with an audio CD with meditation practices.
– Have a nap. Escape for a bit. It’s okay, university keeps us incredibly busy; to be at your best, have rest!
9. Be Productive. There’s nothing quite as satisfying as ticking things off your to-do list. But make sure you have a physical list of things to do so you can physically tick them off. Put effort into every single thing you do. Whether it’s getting your laundry done, or doing that silly little assignment that’s nearing it’s deadline, washing up, or going to the gym… Life always has little errands, the sooner you get them done, the easier it is to focus on the important things.
10. Smile. Simple, yet effective. You rarely notice when you’re frowning, or your jaw is tense, take a second every hour or so to look at something, read something, watch a youtube video, anything that makes you laugh. Go for a pint with a friend, and find something to giggle about. Sing to your heart’s content into your hairbrush, this will really get your endorphins running.You have a right to smile, you have the human right to be happy, safe and comfortable – take advantage of that. “You are the blue sky, everything else is just the weather.”
@__florencesmith