Waiting for that “good morning” text after a long night of intimate connection, flirty banter, and all the right things being said? You’re not the only one! The college epidemic of partners, hookups, situationships, and every label in between – choosing casual indifference to fit the social norms can be a whole new playing field when you’re a newbie to the scene.
Zoning out in class to recount the details of every potential reason why that certain someone didn’t reach out, beating a dead horse with your friends, and digging this hypothetical grave of wonder is not the impression your lifelong partner would leave on your heart. Fear not, we’re going to cover all the grimy details of why nonchalance is the farthest thing from hot, and while trigger warnings may be necessary for some of us sensitive baddies, this is a valuable read for every person out there who has been a victim of this very plague.
The anatomy of nonchalance
You may be thinking, “Well, how do I recognize nonchalance next to shyness?” Nonchalant behavior can be described as indifference towards any subject matter, which in this case, is you.
Slow, dry responses. No compliments ever paid. An irrevocable fear of expressing enthusiasm. No follow-up questions about any interesting aspect of your life. Detachment from emotional connections that won’t result in your clothes spread on their floor. The list goes on.
In recent years, there has been a noticeable shift in terminology for things that used to be considered romantic. “Dating” is now referred to as “hanging,” “relationships” are now categorized as “situationships” unless very clearly specified as otherwise, and vulnerability is a foreign concept more commonly known as clinginess.
This isn’t a Twilight remake, babe. If someone is showing a lack of interest in you in the light of day, then that is a big fat red flag!
The luxurious concept of effort
While multi-tasking is a skill I know many people possess, it can get exhausting trying to play mind reader, part-time eggshell walker, student, and intimate partner all in one. Guessing what will come off as “too strong” will only damage your self-assurance, and it shouldn’t have to be normalized to become a pro at reading their body language to know their intentions. Voicing your feelings has become a lost art in the romance scene.
I think it’s important to highlight how incredibly sexy it can be when someone who is genuinely interested in you plans an ACTUAL date, texts in more than acronyms, and doesn’t think it’s cringe to send a simple “Last night was fun” message.
Despite common college misconceptions, particularly of the frat brother wavelength, a booty call at 3 am is not a proper way to make someone feel validated, and telling all your friends the rate on acts that should be kept private isn’t exactly giving knight-in-shining-armor energy.
Placing effort into people you care about will not put a dent in your indifferent façade. Sending intentionally curated signals to express yourself shouldn’t be unheard of, and even in the most casual flings, a short, validating message prevents overthinking for all parties involved.
Reassurance fuels our health
Mind games do more than just waste our energy; forcing nonchalance has drastic effects on the receiving OR giving fronts. Pretending not to care about situations that mentally drain us, like a casual situationship that is as wishy-washy as that cough you got from the freshman frat flu, rewires our nervous systems into overdrive.
We’re all human, and whether you choose to admit that intimacy does mean something doesn’t make you immune to its effects. It only builds up in that cozy corner of your brain until the dam eventually breaks.
Connections built on mutual indifference can be accurately compared to a game of Jenga with entirely uncompetitive people. You may have legitimate feelings for someone, but without the desire or ability to express them, out of fear of dropping the metaphorical mask, the foundation of your relationship will crack before it’s completely built.
We live in an age where social media accounts are exchanged in practically every flirtatious interaction you experience. Whether it was a casual one-night encounter that won’t progress further, or a connection you hope to actively pursue – send the text. There are simple, noncommittal ways to reaffirm that it was a one-time thing other than radio silence. Reassuring someone that the time you shared was memorable will leave a kind association of your name with them and everyone they know.
People rant to their friends about douchebags, not people who do a post-hookup check-in.
Bring back “cringe”
Life and relationships truly are all about your perspective – and the people who constantly give you some. I encourage every reader here to embrace vulnerability, express your emotional qualms with the people who aren’t giving you worthy affection, and remember that embarrassment is a made-up concept.
The best thing you can do when a nonchalant ex-situationship struts into the same bar as you and acts as indifferent towards you as the gum on the bottom of their shoe is remember that you wouldn’t want to meet the love of your life at a college bar after 10 p.m.
Feigning indifference isn’t this mysterious, sexy concept that resembles the appeal of playing “hard to get.” It simply causes mixed signals that will inevitably leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth, driving all parties in the opposite direction and away from a connection that could’ve amounted to something if it hadn’t been for that pesky emotion we call pride.
As sappy as it sounds, connections are what make life precious, so never let anyone make you feel like you’re asking for too much by seeking mutually beneficial energy within your relationships. Time is fleeting; feelings are a heavy weight to carry, but expressing them will grant you the thing we all seek with a whimsical bliss: closure.
And always remember, for anyone who will listen – nonchalance ISN’T hot!