I transferred colleges after the first semester of my freshman year at college because I had no friends. Not because I didn’t want friends — I really did — but because I was too anxious to make any.
I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at age two. My parents knew immediately by my inconsolable clinginess, constant tension in my body, and breakdowns whenever I’d experience a new situation or change. And from a young age, my anxiety shows up in my friendships, too: I refused to participate in preschool, hiding in the corner for hours every day until my best friend, Zack, joined me a year later. My mom often laughs, telling me how I refused to leave Zack’s side, and apparently, I wouldn’t even let him make any friends.Â
But as I got older, entering elementary school, I had an entire group of friends. I was happy, outgoing, and my life was full of friendships. That is, until I moved hundreds of miles away from all of my friends right before 5th grade. Instantly, the anxiety around friendships I’d experienced as a child resurfaced.Â
This led me to grow up a classic introvert, fearing socialization, strangers, and hypothetical situations. It didn’t take me long to realize that anxiety doesn’t have an “off” button. Once I got my driver’s license, I’d stay parked in my car after getting home at night for hours on end, anxious that someone was hiding under my car ready to grab my ankle once I stepped out. I’d frequently experience anxiety attacks for no particular reason, and it felt like my anxiety would follow me for my entire life.
Going to college out of state, I expected to flourish, ridding myself of anxiety and blossoming with friendships that would last forever.
Once I entered high school, I only had a few friends, but I was content. I was outgoing in my classes, and didn’t feel a need to make more friends since I was always hanging out with someone. Until I got to college.
Going to college out of state, I expected to flourish, ridding myself of anxiety and blossoming with friendships that would last forever — especially since I’d already formed a close relationship with my roommate before we even moved in together. But that is not, in fact, what happened. Somehow, my roommate already built an entire friend group within a matter of hours after we got there. She tried including me for a few weeks, but I’d just sit there, never knowing what to say. My heart would be pounding anytime I tried gaining the courage to join in on the conversation, so most of the time, I’d just sit in silence and listen.
And after a few weeks, I just stopped getting invited. I don’t blame them — I was practically silent during any given conversation. After months of isolating myself in my room every day, skipping class way more often than I should’ve, I finally transferred to James Madison University. But the reason I picked JMU? It was because one of my best friends went there. It felt like a safe option to go to a school where there would already be one person I knew. A familiar face — what more could an anxious introvert ask for?
Despite a new environment, my anxiety didn’t calm down. I didn’t even become friends with my roommates during my second year of college until halfway through the year, spending my weeks locked in my room because I was too anxious to talk to them. I barely went to parties with my friends despite their begging, overwhelmed with anxiety.Â
But as the years went on, I was determined to overcome my anxiety. As I adjusted to life at my new school, my anxiety slowly subsided over time. And once my classes got smaller, I found myself forming friendships with the people in my major.Â
I used to be someone who let her anxiety control her entire life: every decision, every outfit, every word spoken, every thought was controlled by overwhelming anxiety.
Somewhere along the way, I realized how much I loved being around people. I would strike up conversations with random people at the bar and talk for hours on end anytime I was with friends. Being in such a safe environment with classmates who were also looking to build friendships within their major made it so much easier to navigate my anxiety in terms of meeting new people. Before I knew it, I had an entire friend group — something I hadn’t had since elementary school.
Through this, I found myself slowly turning into an extrovert — a huge “people person” if you will. I’ve turned into someone who loves meeting new people, and I spend hours hanging out with friends every day because I thrive off socialization. On exceptionally good days, I’ll dance in Chipotle while waiting in line or go out of my way to make friends when I go out on weekends, no longer overpowered by anxiety and stressing over rehearsing my words beforehand.
I used to describe my anxiety to people as “moths.” Some people get butterflies in their stomach, but me? I’d get moths in my chest. I’ll be honest in saying that I still get the moths sometimes — I just don’t let it control my entire life anymore. I used to be someone who let her anxiety control her entire life: every decision, every outfit, every word spoken, every thought was controlled by overwhelming anxiety. But now, my world is finally bigger than my anxiety. Sure, the moths still visit sometimes, but they’ve stopped eating holes in my life.
Besides, I’m too busy talking to strangers or spending time with my newfound friends to even notice.