Less than two weeks into my first-ever relationship, my partner and I said we loved each other. I know what you’re thinking: Red flag. Who in their right mind says “I love you” that quickly?
Many people (including myself, if I heard this without context) would classify this situation as “love bombing” — claiming love without considering the state of the relationship. In reality, though, this instance was totally healthy. However, not all of them are.
The truth is, we were just in the honeymoon phase, eager to start our relationship after several months of being best friends. Flash forward two years, and we still don’t regret saying “I love you” early on — so clearly it was the right choice. But the confusion that arises whenever I tell this story presents a key question: What the hell is the difference between love bombing and the honeymoon phase?
It’s easy to mix up these concepts, both in theory and, unfortunately, in real-life situations — because they both deal with the romance-filled start of a relationship. So, to gain more clarity, I spoke to licensed psychologist David Tzall, in hopes to set this distinction once and for all.
Love bombing is a form of manipulation, and the honeymoon phase, well, isn’t.
If you’re confused about what love bombing is, or worried you’re experiencing it, don’t worry — let’s start by determining the actual definition of the term. And this means silencing all the long-winded love bombing horror stories on TikTok for a minute and instead listening to the experts.
Simply put, love bombing is all about control. “Love bombing is a manipulative tactic used in relationships, whereby a person displays an overwhelming and excessive display of affection, attention, and flattery towards their partner,” Tzall says. It’s not contextualized by real, true love and care for the other person; it has wrongful intentions.
This may be deceiving due to the use of the word “love,” but don’t be fooled. The aim at its core is to rope a victim in without them even noticing. “The hope is to quickly establish a strong emotional bond and gain control over the individual before they know what has occurred,” Tzall explains. “The manipulator showers the other with grand gestures, constant compliments, excessive displays of affection, and intense attention.” Scary, huh?
On the other hand, the honeymoon phase is the healthy trajectory at the beginning of a relationship. “The honeymoon phase refers to the early part of a relationship where no conflict has taken place and the passion and intensity for one another is at its zenith,” Tzall says. “Positive qualities tend to be overemphasized while quirks and blindspots are glossed over.”
These terms may sound like opposites at this point — but on the surface, they both represent an excess of romance, an aspect that’s vastly assumed to be positive. And most of the time, receiving love from someone is good; so, love bombing and the honeymoon phase can easily appear the same on the surface. This begs the question: How can we further differentiate these in real life, and stop this manipulative behavior in its tracks?
The difference between love bombing and the honeymoon phase can get blurry.
The key distinction here begins with two main factors: Duration and intensity. Love bombing comes out of nowhere — hence the name — and fades out quickly. Then, as Tzall warns, all of a sudden this positivity and affection is replaced by manipulative or even abusive actions. And at that point, it’s extremely challenging to escape or even comprehend the truth behind your partner’s actions.
If you’re at the beginning of a secure relationship with mutual love, respect, and control, you’re probably in the honeymoon phase. You should both feel stable, excited, and equally involved in the relationship’s growth — there shouldn’t be much pressure to reciprocate any loving feelings or actions.
“The honeymoon phase is characterized by a genuine, mutual attraction and excitement, but it is typically less extreme and more sustainable over a longer period of time,” Tzall says. Sometimes that involves just getting to know each other, or in situations like my own (friends-to-lovers, per se), you’re learning more about them as a partner and in a relationship context.
Don’t get me wrong — like in love bombing, the honeymoon phase does include a lot of romanticism. It’s like living in a daydream or suddenly viewing your life through rose-colored glasses. But it’s grounded in something real — a strong friendship and partnership that both people are grateful for.
Ultimately, spotting love bombing starts with focusing on yourself, something many of us neglect to do while we’re constantly looking to present our best selves to our new partner. “Make sure that your needs and desires are taken into account because, in love bombing, it is exclusively about the one doing the manipulation,” Tzall advises. “If that person is always the one to make decisions without input from you, that is a sign that you might not be as involved as you might think.”
This distinction isn’t trivial — it’s the key to avoiding toxic, harmful behavior.
This isn’t just another conversation on a trending TikTok term — love bombing is a real, psychologically-rooted behavior that hurts countless individuals. Our discussion here boils down to this: If you’re a victim of love bombing, please, don’t continue falling for it.
I know walking away is easier said than done, though. For those with an anxious attachment style (which is much more common in women, BTW), it can be nice to be bombarded with love. And if you face insecurity on top of that, it becomes even simpler to comply with a potential lack of care for your comfort level. But believe me — leaving the situation entirely, although painful at the moment, will spare you a bad relationship.
Relationships are complicated and multi-faceted, and the beginning is no exception. So as much as the romance may be sweeping you off your feet, remain grounded and present in how that person is truly making you feel. In my book, that’s the most important thing: Ensuring you’re truly happy, and making a change if you aren’t.