When I told my family and friends I was dating someone for the first time, I received a wide range of responses. From surface-level questions of what he looked like, to discouraging jumps to conclusions about how serious our relationship was, I’d heard it all. None of these questions left lasting impressions on me, though — with the exception of one: “Does he love you more than you love him?”
Still, two years later, the interaction lingers at the forefront of my memory. As I watch my friends navigate new relationships and continue overcoming obstacles in mine, I wonder if my family had a point. Is it true that relationships work best when the man loves the woman more? And to my surprise, countless users on TikTok feel the same way as me — namely, one video stating that “maturing is realizing relationships only work if the guy likes the girl more” received almost 1.5 million likes and 7.5 million views. Some users have also gone as far as to explain why this theory is true through “the principle of least interest,” which discusses power dynamics.
I had to get to the bottom of this longtime debate. So, I talked to licensed psychologist David Tzall and certified sex therapist Aliyah Moore, PhD, hoping they could give me a definite answer as to whether or not relationships work best when the man likes the woman more.
Both partners should put the same amount of effort and love into the relationship.
The short answer to this question is no, there’s no hard evidence to prove that heterosexual relationships work better when the man likes the woman more. Although it’s certainly a trend reported anecdotally by countless women, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution to determine whether a man loves you enough for the relationship to prosper.
“When both are carrying the weight, the relationship flourishes,” Tzall says. “When one partner loves the other more, it can create power imbalances and feelings of inadequacy in the less-loving partner. This dynamic can lead to conflicts and a lack of trust, which can erode the foundation of the relationship over time.”
Moore confirms that this ratio should be equal between the two partners. “In a healthy and successful relationship, both partners should have an equal amount of love and commitment towards each other.” Although thinking your partner loves you more may provide you with comfort, it’s actually best if you love each other equally.
But hold on a sec — if the answer is no, where is this phenomenon coming from? Why are so many women experiencing this firsthand — in successful relationships where their boyfriend loves them more, and relationships that failed because of a lack of love from the man? Well, I’ve got answers for you — brought to you by psychology, of course.
The trend can be explained by the larger priority that most men place on physical relationships.
It’s no secret men — especially college-aged men — have larger sexual desires than women. Countless studies show that typically, men want commitment much less than women do when it comes to relationships, and men are more hookup-centered.
Essentially, there’s a smaller pool of men in college who actually want to settle down, and more women who want a long-term, committed relationship. This translates to a proven larger sense of anxiety for women when they do get into a relationship, leading to these worries about whether their partner loves them enough (calling myself out on that one). Because of these innate desires that men tend to have, we’ve theorized that they need to love us more to make up for their tendency to prefer physical relationships.
“Some may argue that it is beneficial for the man to like the woman more in the beginning stages,” Moore agrees. “One potential reason for this is that it may motivate the man to put in more effort towards building the relationship and satisfying the woman’s emotional needs.” Women think their partner has to work harder to counteract the (sometimes true) stereotypes associated with college men, leading them to conclude that the relationship will only work if the man loves them more.
But here’s the thing — that’s not necessarily true. Sure, it’s a fact that fewer men may be open to a long-term relationship in college, but there are still so many who are. And the guys that actually want a relationship will show it through an equal contribution — whatever amount of love, energy, and care you put in, they should reciprocate — which brings me to my next point.
Love is too abstract to measure — instead, evaluate their actions.
At the end of the day, we’re asking the wrong question. It’s not about trying to quantify the amount of love our prospective partner has for us and comparing it with our own love. Instead, strong relationships are based on a wider set of fundamental principles and values.
“A partner who is committed to the relationship and invested in its success will demonstrate this through their actions, such as consistently showing up for the relationship, communicating genuinely, and making an effort to work through conflicts and challenges,” Tzall says. “These actions can be a better indicator of the strength and potential longevity of the relationship than trying to measure the amount of love a partner has.”
Evaluate your partner’s actions to identify whether these core traits are present, and to what degree. Do they prioritize your needs whilst appreciating your differences? Do they treat you with genuine respect and care? Do they make a conscious effort to better themself and the relationship? The list goes on and on.
Of course, these can be aspects of love — but it’s important to get more granular if you really want to evaluate the success of your relationship or prospective partner. “While liking someone more may provide some motivation, it is not a guarantee that the man will put in more effort or that the relationship will be successful,” Moore says. “The success of a relationship is dependent on both partners’ willingness to invest time, effort, and commitment towards each other.”
Actions speak louder than words, or your perception of their feelings. That is to say, as much as they love you, what matters is that your partner is treating you right. As Tzall puts it, “If you feel loved, valued, and respected by your partner and the relationship brings you happiness and fulfillment, that is what matters most.”
So, there you have it — a long-winded answer to the newest question plaguing my FYP (and my brain). If there’s anything you should take away from our experts today: look for reciprocation in effort, care, and respect. Don’t settle until your partner has exactly that.