There’s nothing like the grief of a breakup. It’s never easy and it seems like with every new one, you discover a new form of misery: They upheave your entire world, shattering the potential promise that you had for the future. Your significant other has become a physical embodiment of a safe space, somewhere you can turn to when things go awry. Suddenly, that safe space stops existing, so you’re left asking yourself, where do I go now?
The holiday season can be particularly hard-hitting as it fosters a sense of uncertainty in the state of your relationship. For many, the holidays could be seen as a relationship milestone. It’s when you start talking about each other’s families and the plans and judgments that come with it. That relationship then stops being just yours and introduces a multitude of other factors your partner may not be ready for.
Unfortunately, the holidays are a busy season and those breakups can sometimes feel like they come out of nowhere. Seeing those signs of an imminent breakup could be difficult especially when you don’t know what you’re looking for. Being weary of those tell-tale breakup signs could alleviate the heartbreak but it isn’t a surefire way to prevent grief from the inevitable breakup — especially when it comes out of nowhere. So, I spoke to relationship experts Jessica Maxwell, Ph.D and Lexi Joondeph-Breidbart, LMSW, as well as psychologists Franklin A. Porter, Ph.D and Sarah Gundle, PsyD about how to navigate these out-of-the-blue holiday breakups.
Communicate, and set, your boundaries.
Serious relationships possess a unique capacity to elicit pain. Not only is there so much time and vulnerability committed to it, but you have found yourselves intertwined in each other’s lives. “Support from one’s family and friends is very important but the individual has to guide their family and friends in the nature of the support that they seek,” says Porter. Being single after a long-term relationship is tough, especially when you’re subjected to familial situations that pressure you into talking about it.
It’s completely OK to be honest that you’re not feeling the best and that might limit the extent of your social interactions. “You can say, ‘I know it’s good for me to be around people and I’m going to try my best to show up, just know I may not act like myself for a bit, but I really value your support in spending time with me,’” says Joondeph-Breidbart. By expressing this, you convey to your family and friends that their company is valued, even if your immediate response may not outwardly reflect it.
Remember that grieving is very personal.
In this day and age when we can see human growth through social media, it’s unfair to compare our grieving processes with others, especially during a time in which they would likely portray a joyful facade during all the holiday festivities. “Don’t social media stalk them! Continued online exposure to an ex-romantic partner may inhibit post-breakup recovery and growth,” Maxwell says. Try not to fall into that trap and understand that social media does not provide an honest understanding of someone’s healing process.
Surround yourself with family, friends, and things that make you happy.
While talking to your family about your grievances could help, sometimes it’s OK to keep certain things to yourself. Having an outlet like journaling provides you with a new personal space.“The best [coping strategy] I know is journaling,” Grundle says. “Writing about one incident that was hurtful in the relationship for 15 to 30 minutes with a space of at least a day in between, and tracking how you feel before and after is an effective exercise,”
Developing physical activities are known to release endorphins and be good for your overall health. So, if you can, go on that walk with your family, or even an early morning run with your childhood best friend while you’re home for the holidays. “These things — exercise, more social activity, and so on — are those coping mechanisms that aid in the healing process,” Porter adds.
Breakups sever the very foundations of intimate shared existence, forcing you to reckon with who you are as an individual. The holiday season, typically burdened with emotional weight, can amplify this turmoil. Ultimately, the aftermath of a breakup demands an intentional focus on well-being, with boundaries set firmly to foster growth beyond the shadows of the past. So, if you’re dealing with a blue holiday season because of a breakup, remember that you’re not alone — and things will, someday, get better.