May 11th was the worst day of my life. I’m sure you may be thinking, how can someone that’s only 20-years-old know that they’ve already experienced the absolute worst possible thing they could’ve experienced? Trust me, I just know.
On May 11th, I lost my soulmate, best friend, second mom, aunt, and godmother to COVID-19 in India. She was only 53 years young.
Every little thing reminds me of her. When I’m eating her favourite food or when her favourite song comes on the radio. When I see a commercial for a place we visited together. When I have positive news to share and find my finger scrolling to her name on my phone, only to realize I can’t message or call her.
The realities that we find the most painful are the ones where bad things happen to good people. My aunt was a genuinely good person. She greeted every individual with a smile, found joy in the littlest things in life, never let her success get to her head, and loved my family and me endlessly. She was dedicated to her community; regularly donating to orphanages and retirement homes while funding the education of her housekeepers’ children.
My aunt was the type of person that I’ve always strived to become.
Losing her was a shock that, sitting here 4 months later, I still can’t seem to overcome. Lately, it’s felt like there is an unfillable void in me, like a part of me, will always be broken. I wake up in the middle of the night crying and find myself bawling in the shower. Thoughts overflow my mind to a point where I go from laughing to sitting in silence in public settings. I feel guilty for smiling because I know that she can’t be there to smile with me. I guess I never really got any closure because I didn’t get to see her after she passed.
They say it’s important that we “get over it” and “move on” from difficult times in our lives, but one thing that this whole experience has taught me is that it’s okay to not move on. We can never forget about our lost loved ones, all we can really do is learn to live with this new reality. Learn to accept that while they may not be with us anymore, we must keep living with their memory. It helps that I believe that she is always there watching over me and that the connection we had is something that not even death can break apart.
If you’re reading this and are dealing with a loss like I am; remember to take care of yourself. You don’t need to get through this alone and there are so many resources available to help you cope.
Also, remember that there is a silver lining. Though there may always be that scar and memories that flood your mind every now and then, remember that our loved ones live on through us. My only hope is that I can give back to my community and radiate that same positive energy my aunt always did. It’s the best way to carry on her legacy.