Boundaries are something that everybody needs, but almost nobody likes to enforce. We all want to be the best student, friend, sister and daughter that we can, and it can sometimes be hard to say no to the people we love most. But the truth is, we can’t give our best to others if we don’t set boundaries in order take care of ourselves first.
If you’re feeling burned out, overworked, experiencing guilt for saying no or feeling more like a therapist than a friend, that’s a good sign that it’s time to set some boundaries. Here are some tips to help!
Know who you are
Boundaries are all about knowing yourself! Your values are the number one deciding factor for how you need to live your life. Do you absolutely love drawing? Maybe you need one evening a week dedicated to working on an art project with no interruptions. Do you need to take a break between each hour of studying to stay focused? That’s your time to take for yourself, and it is precious. Knowing what helps you rest and recharge, how much alone time you need to feel your best and understanding how much help you can give to others before feeling drained is super important when it comes to setting boundaries.
Stick to the facts
When it comes to your boundaries, make sure that you have concrete ideas about what you need. The clearer you are about your boundaries, the easier they will be to maintain. It’s way easier to stick with “I will log off social media every night at 9 p.m.” than “I will try not to overuse social media.” One is a specific action you can take, and the other is so vague that you are unable to know whether you’re respecting your boundary or not. This also applies when it comes to telling your friends about your new boundaries – they can’t respect them without completely understanding what they are.
Remember that you can’t change others, you can only change yourself
Make sure that the boundaries you set are really about you! When you’re used to making everyone in your life happy, sometimes our boundaries can backfire if they’re just another way to people-please. This might mean getting put in some uncomfortable positions, like deciding that you need to take a break from a toxic friendship. But remember, it is not your job to fix people. Boundaries are all about finding healthy relationships that make you a better version of yourself, not giving all your energy to something draining. By practicing saying no to the things you don’t want in your life and saying yes to the things you do, you’ll be able to craft your life around what really matters to you. The best part? The important people in your life will be there to cheer you on.
By following these tips to prioritize yourself, you should be well on your way to setting some boundaries! It’s all about being true to you. But now that we have some, how do we actually keep them?
Prepare for some backlash
When we first start to enforce our boundaries, not only is it a challenge for us, it can sometimes be a tricky adjustment for the people in our lives. When we are always people-pleasing, our friends may become over-reliant on us. So, if you’ve always been the go-to listener for your friend but now aren’t available to help her 24/7, you’ll want to be prepared for her reaction. Be ready to explain your new boundaries and that they don’t mean that you love your friend any less! They just mean that you need some you time to become an even better friend for both her and yourself. You might just inspire her to set some boundaries of her own!
Decide what will happen if a boundary is crossed
If someone in your life (yourself included) isn’t respecting a limitation that you’ve set, it is important to decide what will happen next. A conversation with the person to explain what happened and why it matters is often a good first step. If you’re the one who is having a hard time sticking to your boundaries, find little ways to make them easier. If you need a tech break, set your phone to automatically log you out of social media at certain times. If you need more mindful time in your day, plan a yoga date with a friend. Most importantly, ask yourself why you didn’t follow through; sometimes the boundary you set needs to be readjusted and sometimes we also just forget how much our own needs matter! Keeping your word about your boundaries teaches the people in your life that they really matter, and by extension, you really matter too.
Communicate
Take the time to share your boundaries, and why they matter to you, with the people in your life. Talking about them will remind you of why they are important and will inform people of how to be a good friend to you. This is also a great time to ask about the boundaries your friends might have, because mutual support is the best kind of support!
