DISCLAIMER: Thank you to those who I have had amazing experiences with already. I genuinely love you and your presences; I hope our friendships continue to grow. You know who you are.
Sometimes, it’s okay to feel alone.
Sometimes, it’s okay to just have a good cry.
Sometimes, it’s okay to drown in emotions that somehow make you feel guilty for having them.
I’ve been having a lot of ups and downs lately, but I think that’s just how life is. I feel like I need to make peace with this fact, but I’m struggling in doing so. I love the independence university brings, but sometimes I just want someone to take care of me, and I feel guilty for this.
I know I can take care of myself. I can call my Uber perfectly fine when I’ve drank a whole mickey of Smirnoff and still have a fluent 10 minute conversation in Spanish, despite being intoxicated. I tune into what my mind, body and soul desires. I manage my time well between classes, extracurriculars and my job. I maintain my relationship with my family by communicating with them often. However, sometimes I wish someone would just be here to lean on. I know I have friends and family back home for this, but it’s not the same when they are not physically here. Then again, this could be my own mental barrier or the reason why I take pride in not needing help to take care of myself.
I think my issues are more concerned with knowing who is actually here for me, who is a true friend, and who I can actually trust. Every time I feel like someone is worthy of my time and effort, somehow something goes wrong. I know it will take time to establish a set of friends; it’s only been three months since university began. I keep trying, though. I keep trying to find quality friends, the so called “lifelong friends” you make in university.
Then, at the same time, I’m wondering why I feel so isolated from some of my old friends from my childhood. I want to call them. I want to talk to them, but it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. Am I just a shitty friend or are we growing up?
I feel like it’s the latter, but I also can’t help but feel guilty, yet again. I’m growing in all kinds of directions because I’m exposed to new ideas, people and content on a daily basis. This is great for personal growth, but it’s difficult to find others that mesh with my constantly changing self.
With this, I recently went to a party. I went with some great people, but it still didn’t feel right. It was this feeling that we all know each other, but we really don’t at the same time. I know if I did get to know them more, they would probably be great. However, I just didn’t enjoy partying, drinking and dancing with people when I still don’t even know what their favorite colors are. Maybe that’s cheesy; maybe that’s irrelevant. For me, it’s not, and I would rather have a solid friendship first and then do such activities.
At that party, however, I don’t think I ever felt so left out or lonely in my time here. I guess what also contributed to my negativity was that it was thrown by a dance team that I tried out and didn’t get chosen for. I felt salty and insecure, thinking I could force myself to focus on my friends and have a good time. This did work for a bit and I did have fun with them, but I honestly needed to leave for my own personal sanity. It wasn’t anyone’s fault either. I just really didn’t feel like being my usual, bubbly self.
There’s also some of my own trust issues at play here. A bunch of shit happened in my last year of high school, causing me to be weary of hanging out with specific types of people: mainly people of my own skin color. This is not racist. This is because I have had negative experiences that are holding me back from fully interacting with Indian people. On the personalities I have encountered, there are those who are “white-washed,” or too obsessed with Western culture. In contrast, there are those who are deemed as being a “FOB”, or not adapted enough to Western culture. Again, both types could include wonderful people, but I get along best with those in the middle of the spectrum. However, it’s been very difficult to find such individuals.
I like to think I’m in the middle, and it’s just been a struggle to find those like me. Now, I don’t limit myself to only being friends with those who are the same race; in fact, I have more friends of different races here, and I like it that way. I’m scared, hurt and jaded from my previous experiences. At the party, I found myself becoming someone who I did not care to be whatsoever: a negative ball of energy.
Due to my rocky past with Indian people, I just kept judging everyone at the party around me. They never did anything wrong. They could be extremely nice, and I could still find a reason not to be around them. I realize that this is a limiting mindset, but I am done trying to actively fix this. I just want to let my views change naturally, just like it has with other experiences. Right now, I have no desire to be around that crowd, regardless if they’re nice or not. It’s just not right for me.
After what felt like the longest one hour, I finally decided to leave. On the bus back, I honestly just wanted someone to hold me. I wanted to be told that “everything will be alright,” but if that happened, I knew I would need to be told that at least 100 more times. It’s been challenging because I like to think that I am an extremely social person. I love people. I love talking to people, but it’s hard to actually connect with someone on a deeper level. However, I feel like I want this connection so bad that I’m trying too hard, and not letting quality friendships develop naturally.
I feel like I am constantly battling within myself when it comes to making friends. My past holds me down in some ways, but it also lets me embrace the person that I have become today. It’s like I’m begging someone, anyone, to show me that they’re a unique individual who doesn’t prioritize what people think or how many shots they can down. I don’t have anything against drinking and partying at all, but it’s just not my first option when I’m first getting to know a friend.
In the end, I realize that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to. It might take some time with trial and error, but I will find people that love me for me, and that are on the same wavelength as I am. I will probably get hurt again, but I know I will find people as amazing as myself in the end. Right now, I can only be patient, knowing that I might have days where I just want to feel my feelings. Right now, I can only be comfortable with myself and float to those who share similar vibes with me. Right now, it’s okay to feel alone. It’s just hard to remember that sometimes.
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