Revelations on Relations

University has been a challenging, yet invigorating adjustment. Part of this difficulty has stemmed from what most young girls in university struggle with: boys. Though I feel somewhat pathetic about this, I just want to get away from all the relationship issues I’ve been having lately. I’m definitely going to get a lot of hate for this because I’ll be exposing someone who I probably won’t be friends with again. Even after this, I still hope I end up being on decent terms with this person because I think we can both understand that it always takes two to tango.

You did me really wrong, but there were signs. I’m actually the one at fault for this situation because I wanted to believe everything was going accordingly. I thought your interest in me was genuine; it was the typical “you saw me for who I really was” bullshit. Everyone told me you were a player. They all believed I was too good for you and knew you were kind of fake. I knew you just wanted to fuck around, but as I got closer to you, I felt like maybe they were wrong. I feel like you want to be known as some baller ass dude, always changing yourself based on who you’re with. This isn’t high school, man. It’s hard to tell who’s a first year versus a fucking fifth year.

However, all these were things I wanted to overlook because I knew how much potential you had as a person. Those were the last words I told you, anyway: “You’re a good guy. You just don’t believe it. That’s why these things keep happening to you.” It’s true, and you know it. We both know that you don’t talk to me anymore because you don’t know what to say. You think it will be awkward. More accurately, you don’t want to confront a situation you know you could have avoided creating. You realize that you led me on, whether it was on purpose or not. The thing is, you’re insecure and you know it. You felt scared when we were getting close, thinking that exposing yourself would make you look weak. There are so many internal issues from your childhood and your ego, but you won’t admit it. You act out of fear, covering it up as being “manly” by kissing as many girls as you can to form the basis of your confidence. As I said though, it’s my fault. I think there are some issues within me that have caused me to attract you and this situation. Or maybe I’m just salty that you don’t want me and you’re already interested in someone else.

Honestly though, I am grateful this happened. I realize now that my goal for this year is to truly focus on me. I want to be single. I actually have grown so much more in the past year of being single than I ever did while I was in a long-term relationship. The experience of falling for you, believing you when you told me you liked me, and then realizing you were pretty much drunk for all of it has numbed me in a positive way. I feel free. I feel at ease. I have this belief now that I no longer need to force relationships or love. I no longer need to try because it’s coming.

At this age, I want to aim for internships, studying abroad, work-study, unique campus events and traveling. I feel like being in a relationship will only hold me back because I will feel obliged to compromise, and right now I want to be fucking selfish. This is the most acceptable time to do that and I intend to take full advantage of it. I know that if I work hard, if I invest in myself, if I portion my precious time accordingly, and if I surround myself with quality people, everything else will fall into place. If I’m single for the rest of my life that is actually fine with me now. I really don’t care anymore. Obviously it would kind of suck, but I know it really wouldn’t be a big deal compared to everything else I could do to bring joy into my life.

Moreover, I adore being independent at this point in my life. I don’t tolerate bullshit from anyone anymore, especially when it comes to guys. It might be a bit pretentious by writing them off when they mess up a few times, but I seriously have many more important priorities to worry about. The reason I am here in a new country is not to find love or some cliché university romance. I am here for an education. I am here to better my life. I did want you to be part of this experience but maybe you can be as just a friend. I treated you as the guy you have the potential to be but you are not that guy right now. I am not right for you, nor are you right for me. In fact, being your friend will actually help me realize this even more because you’re sometimes in my late night Drake thoughts. However, I know we are 100% not meant to be together; I am completely fine with this. I am actually glad about this because it has demonstrated to me that I need someone as special as I am. I need someone who is on the same energy level as me. I need someone who works as hard as I do, who sees the world in a complex way and isn’t afraid of voicing themselves in a unique manner. I am a fucking queen, and I need someone equally of that value. That, my friend, is not you.

Now, I realize the controversy this article may give off, but this was just another opportunity to get better at being comfortable with myself. This involves taking major risks that I know will promote self-growth. I’m being vulnerable here, probably seeming desperate, whiny and high maintenance to some. On the other hand,  some may think I’m brave, confident and influential. Either way, it doesn’t matter because I’m training my mind to stop focusing on such judgments. I posted this because I wanted to. That’s it. It wasn’t to get back at anyone or for empathy. In fact, it wasn’t even really about the boy. It was about me. I posted this because I simply wanted to, and I know when I write about a topic, it gives me self-affirmation that I can keep moving forward with my wonderful life.