The weather is changing. Spring has sprung, the sun is out, and the air is warm. Yet I’ve been going through an emotional phase, something I haven’t experienced in a while.
Loneliness.
It isn’t as simple as missing someone. It’s an empty feeling that keeps me up at night and that makes me afraid to get out of bed in the morning.
It took me a while to figure out how to solve this.
I have a boyfriend, someone I spend a lot of time with and I cherish every moment with him. It’s more than just a distraction; our time together really does fill me with happiness and purpose. But he’s not with me every second of the day, and the feeling creeps back when he’s gone.
I’ve reinvested in some friendships. I’ve lost a few really good friends this year, so I figured that was the obvious reason that I was feeling this way. I had a choice to either make more friends or invest in the good friends I still do have. Yet when I see my friends now and we talk and even laugh, I feel like I am putting on a veil. This is me pretending not to be lonely. This is me pretending they could solve my issues. They weren’t the solution to my unhappiness.
I’m writing this on Easter weekend. My dad works up north and my siblings moved to Toronto for school years ago. It took some maturity for me to realize I missed them. My siblings and I fought a lot as kids but we grew up really valuing our differences and quirks. Seeing them excites me now. They all came down for the holidays and I felt happy when I knew they were coming home. After a nice dinner, long walk, and low-rated Netflix movie later, I found I still wasn’t satisfied.
Is it just me? Do I miss myself? I have changed a lot in the past year, and so I thought maybe I felt detached from myself. I’ve been putting in time this Spring to reinvest in my fitness, giving myself my time to workout. I spend some time reading and writing when I’m not working or spending time with other people, too. Yet spending time with myself is the worst out of all of these. I can’t stand it. It emphasizes the fact I feel so empty and lonely. I can’t even fill myself.
I am an Anglican Christian. I always have been. I have had my ups and downs with God and our relationship throughout my twenty years. I had a point of extreme doubt in God in my early teen years which led to depression and really dark times. I began to attend a church retreat in Michigan (Saint Michael’s Conference) when I was fourteen and grew a really vulnerable and emotional (in a good way) relationship with Him. Since then my faith has been relatively strong but my devotion has wavered as university began, boyfriends came and went, and ideals changed.
I began to worry about money for school and saving to move out. I wanted to travel. My anxiety took over my first two years of university and all of my energy went into fighting my own fear. Dating focused my mind on finding an ‘ideal man’. So much happened that I don’t regret, and none of these things are inherently bad, but little by little I grew distant from God.
Because it is Easter weekend I was able to go to the Good Friday service, being reminded of what it would be like without Jesus by my side. Though He can never truly die (He is infinite in many ways), He left the world and witnesses watched Him die on the cross. The story is told every year; yet it can be mediated on in so many different ways. This year, I was reminded how much I need Him in my life, and how crucial it is that He be by my side.
Going to church and hearing the Word and singing hymns of praise filled me with exactly what I had been needing. No one can love me (or you) as much as God does, and I felt that unconditional love again. I felt that I was finally being heard by Him again, that I was craving his attention and company again.
This day and age there are many things telling you what to do to be the best version of you. Some people think you need a Kate Spade purse and Kylie Lip Kits to be the kind of person that will be accepted and admired. Some feel they need a perfect body to feel good enough. Some crave many different sorts of affection from many different sorts of people to feel loved. In my experience, nothing fills me with as much love and pure joy as the presence of God and the virtuous people I have met at these annual summer conferences. I have found my solution and am going to refocus my energy this summer on creating a relationship with He who knew me before time existed.
I am not ashamed of my complete awe of the Lord. My love is endless for Him and my loneliness is dissolving in His presence.