Whether you are a size 22 or a size 0 or anything in between, one of the hardest things to do is to find the courage to love yourself. As women, most of us have a specific way we want to look; you think if I could just change this one thing I would be happy. Let’s be honest ladies that’s never really true. You change that one thing and you find some other flaw that needs to be fixed before you can be beautiful. I know I’ve been there; I’ve been what our society tells us is overweight my whole life. It’s something I’ve struggled with and it makes it really hard to love myself.
Finally, when I came to college I decided I really wanted to lose weight so it started out really well; I was healthier and felt better, and my self-confidence went up. But I still wasn’t satisfied because it wasn’t coming off fast enough and I became obsessive, I would weigh myself before I ate and if I wasn’t happy I wouldn’t eat. I counted calories and limited myself to just 1200 calories a day. Then, I would go to the gym and need to burn those calories off. It was a mess and nobody knew, everyone kept feeding the fire and telling me how amazing I looked and complimenting me. I didn’t even think I had a problem, I just kept saying 5 more pounds and I will be happy, but I never was. I hit rock bottom when my anxiety was out of control and I couldn’t even go get food alone because I was worried people were judging me and looking at what I was eating.
I started going to counseling for my anxiety and not for my disordered eating because I didn’t even think that was a thing, but the more I talked to my counselor the more I realized all my anxiety had to do with my body image and how others perceived me, so he sent me to a body image group. To be honest, I hated that group. It made me uncomfortable when I had to affirm myself and say nice things about myself, which is so hard. I kept thinking “I’m fat how is not eating a problem,” but it really is when you’re not losing fat and you’re losing muscle and bone density instead. I became tired all the time and frequently sad. I was tired of hiding this secret and telling people I wasn’t hungry, so one night I broke down and I told my friends and they went to go get food with me, made sure I ate and checked that I was doing okay.
I started seeing my value and how even though I’m not perfect there are unique things I have that nobody else does and little by little I keep finding more things I love about myself. Please do not misunderstand and think all of a sudden I just love myself, because I don’t. It’s kind of like a roller coaster, there can be days or even weeks where you’re on top of the hill and thriving. And then all of a sudden you fall to the bottom and have to start slowly climbing the hill again. It’s a journey, one you have to fight for and pursue, so I want to challenge all of you to join me on this journey and pursue love!