What I thought was just a minor mental slump at the beginning of the spring semester in 2020 was—as the feeling persisted through summer and fall semesters—in reality, moderately severe depression. I’ve never really envisioned myself developing any sort of mental illness throughout my life. Then again, I don’t believe most people do. However, I underestimated the effect depression had on me, my school and work performance and my relationships. Thus, for the next several months I couldn’t help but watch my life crumble, bit by bit every day while feeling like I couldn’t do anything about it.
The first sign of my depression manifested itself through my art—or instead, the lack of it. I grew up with a love for the arts that was unrivaled. I nurtured this passion throughout middle school and high school, fine-tuning my skills for a potential future in the arts. I came into college thinking I would major in fine art but I ended up choosing health science instead because I decided to pursue the pre-medical track after volunteering at a hospital over the summer. “That’s fine,” I thought. “I will still make art on the side when I’m not studying!” However, this proved to be unrealistic. As I began navigating through freshman year, I found myself finding less time for art as my studies and extracurriculars demanded my attention. While I wasn’t able to draw or paint on my own outside of school, I was still able to nurture my art skills by being on the VSO decorations committee for a show. Additionally, the workload didn’t necessarily lighten up as the spring semester came (as well as a whole pandemic). However, I was still motivated to get through my classes and end in good grades—which I did, thankfully.
But then summer came.
When the pandemic forced everyone to learn in an online environment halfway through spring, I went home for the time being. I took an intensive course load over the summer—or at least intensive for a summer semester—with 11 credits, most of which were STEM courses like General Chemistry II and Biology II with their corresponding labs. It was at this time when my motivation took a hit for the worse. What I thought was a minor, temporary slump ended up becoming prolonged.
Sleep came easily to me but finding a reason to get out of bed in the morning was harder. Watching a thirty-minute-long lecture without interruption was a thing of the past. Even a ten-minute lecture video became an hour-long one—or a tomorrow problem. I couldn’t focus, stop being restless, or find the motivation to get through a simple assignment or video, and my grades began to slip in the process. I was mentally withdrawn from my relationships and became less available for my loved ones than I’d like. Lastly, my passions faded—art, reading, writing, any other hobbies I once had and cherished—and the days became monotonous, unfeeling and cold.
Unfortunately, this continued out the fall semester of my sophomore year, and my grades continued to slip in the classes that mattered to my pre-medical path. I couldn’t recognize myself anymore—the woman who once cared deeply about her future and was successful in her endeavors became the woman who couldn’t care less about the 50 on her Organic Chemistry exam and lacked the motivation to even get out of bed, much less achieve her goals. Amid the fog that enshrouded my mind, I thought my future was over before it even began.
At some point, I decided I was over it. I didn’t want to keep watching my dreams continue to slip away from me—so I decided to seek counseling. I couldn’t do in-person counseling because of the pandemic, and I didn’t have the means to pay for $100+ sessions each time, so I decided to pursue help via an app called BetterHelp. After answering several questions about my well-being and mental health issues, I was paired with a counselor with whom I started having weekly sessions. To this day I am still seeking counseling but following my counselor’s advice allowed me to regain a little more control of my life once more. While making time for my hobbies is still a struggle, I’m starting to look forward to the upcoming days a little more again. Nevertheless, now and then, I relapse into that feeling of apathy for life, but they became less and less frequent as I promised to be gentler with myself. My journey towards healing is still ongoing, but at the very least, I made the decision to begin it, and that’s all that matters.
Depression is not merely something to get over, I’ve learned, and the process of dealing with it will look different for everyone. While I am no licensed therapist or counselor and cannot offer any real professional advice, I would still like to provide a few pieces of advice based on my experience for those who are experiencing similar mental health issues:
1. Find a support system – Depression can be a very lonely experience. It often forces you to withdraw from the people you care about. It’s essential to have a support network of people you trust—friends, family members, significant others—to be there for you during your lowest moments. Hopefully, they’re already there for you without you having to reach out to them, but nevertheless, surround yourself with people who care about you. They should be empowering you, reassuring you that you’re all in this together, creating a safe space for you to talk freely about what’s distressing you and helping you establish the next steps to feel better. Do not worry about feeling like you’re dragging them down for needing extra emotional support. They should not shame or stigmatize you for your struggle with depression—you’re already hard enough on yourself.
2. Seek counseling or therapy – Therapy is always an excellent step for coping or overcoming mental illness. Both virtual and in-person professional counseling is readily available. I use BetterHelp, an online counseling application where you can talk to your counselor via messaging or live video chatting at a cost significantly less than in-person counseling. It has great reviews and can be done anywhere (as long as you’re by yourself without too many distractions). However, if you still find yourself unable to afford the sessions, try seeking any free counseling opportunities at your university or school. Therapy is such a crucial step to healing, especially if it’s severely affecting your life, so do not be afraid to seek out professional help and think you have to overcome this by yourself.
3. Celebrate the small actions you make in caring for yourself – What most people consider to be small actions such as making yourself food or cleaning your room can feel like a burden for those with depression of any severity. Personal hygiene, living environments, diets and daily routines are just some of the many things that can be affected by depression. Because of this, even making your bed after getting out of it or eating a small meal should be celebrated. Those small actions of self-care matter just as much as the larger actions and shouldn’t be downplayed.
These are just a few tips I can think of that I also try to follow myself during my own healing process. @realdepressionproject on Instagram also offers very helpful advice in the form of simple, bite-sized infographics for those suffering from depression, anxiety and other mental health issues.
You are not alone.