Have you ever heard the quote, “If you spend your time chasing butterflies, they will fly away. But if you spend time making a beautiful garden, the butterflies will come to you” (Quintana)? This quote is basically saying that you should focus on your personal growth rather than success, money or goals. This is the quote I live by when it comes to relationships. Sometimes we spend so much time trying to look for the perfect person – the “one,” someone to love – but we forget how to love the person that most matters: ourselves. Some may say that this is the whole point of a relationship: to find someone who shows you how to love yourself. It may have worked for some, but from what I’ve seen and experienced, it just ends up hurting us or the other person in the relationship.
Think about it: how can you really love someone if you don’t love yourself? I think that you need to commit to yourself before you can commit to someone else, because not only are your feelings on the line but theirs as well. I had this happen to me in high school, when I didn’t really know much about relationships or even myself. I went into a “relationship” while I really wasn’t taking care of myself and my mental health as I should have been. This caused me to not be present as much as I should’ve been in the relationship – I was distant. As one could guess, this relationship did not have a happy ending. As I grew older, it became clear that it was because I had this negative relationship with myself that I couldn’t forge a positive relationship with another person, and this caused me to spread negativity into this person instead of love.
It causes an imbalance – either too little or too much. A relationship without self-love could cause an unhealthy attachment to your partner. If you have no regard for yourself, you can become consumed by your partner and their needs instead of focusing on your own. Most of the time, our mental state becomes entirely about the person we are with – always thinking about them or holding our breath until we see them. It can be damaging to our relationship with ourselves, especially if that person leaves. Then you’re left with a shell of what used to be you. It could have a negative impact on your relationship with friends, family or academics.
You have to learn to love yourself to know what you are worthy of. If you really truly love yourself, you will know what is and what is not good for you. You have to be and feel whole by yourself so that if someone enters your life, you will be alright if they leave. No matter how perfect this person may be, you have to know you will be alright on your own. Being comfortable on your own is part of loving yourself!
Lastly, I want to mention that self-love isn’t only bubble baths or face masks (although self-care is amazing too!). It’s accepting your quirks and imperfections. Yes, I’m overly sentimental and laugh out loud, and I love that about me and accept it. I know it may seem hard, but even just trying to love yourself is already loving yourself. Trying to turn the focus back on yourself is already prioritizing yourself – loving yourself. I know it could be a hard process, but baby steps are still movement. Take care of yourselves!! It’s more important than you may think.