I am an open book when it comes to my mental health. To be fair, I don’t share the nitty gritty details, but I like to share my story because the chances of it even helping one person reach out for professional help or having an honest and open conversation about mental health is worth it. My anxiety skyrocketed during undergraduate, and I was very dead set about figuring it out for myself. As someone who is very independent, the last thing I wanted to do was burden my friends or family with my dark and irrational thoughts, because I genuinely believed that one day I would wake up and be fine. Obviously, that was not the case. Eventually, my anxiety and depression became a major insecurity for me. My mental state was different from my friends, I viewed situations in a more pessimistic way, and everyday I felt as if someone reached into my chest and tried to squeeze the life out of my heart. Eventually, the panic attacks started and I withdrew from everyone and everything: academics, friends, family and so on. It came to the point where I realized the only way to help myself was to get help from others.
I talk a lot, but two years ago I never talked about myself. I have a fear of opening up- like most people- and it takes a lot of bravery to actually tell someone, “Hey I am feeling these dark thoughts and emotions, what should I do to fix that?” Being vulnerable and honest with yourself is the first step in getting help, but initially the thought of sharing that baggage with anyone else frightened me even more. My anxiety is a heavy baggage, and there are a lot of things in that baggage: my inhaler for panic attacks, the medication I take, the weekly breakdowns, the different types of breathing practices and the therapy appointments. I am used to it, and I can carry it on my own, but sometimes it is way too overwhelming. Then came along my boyfriend: the person who convinces me to open up when I am ready, the person who is so willing to pick up the pieces for me and the person who is an integral part of my support system. All of this feels like a lot to ask of someone, which is why I greatly hesitated in the beginning to mention anything about my mental health.
My boyfriend calms me down and talks me through any mental roadblock I have or any breakdown. He validates my feelings, because, for so long, I thought it wasn’t okay to constantly feel depressed or worried about things happening; he made it feel like it was okay to go through the downs. The validation helped change my mentality and made me realize I am not in fact crazy for going through these mood swings and thinking about the worst case scenario. But what did need to change is the way I approach my hardships. He taught me that it is okay to lick my wounds, but it is equally important to get back on my feet with the right support. My self-judgement, lack of self compassion and problem with thinking good things won’t happen to me were all lies I was telling myself. Basically, my mind was playing tricks on me (and to be honest, this still does happen), but I am self aware now. He helped make me self aware, and I am beyond grateful.
The truth is that he doesn’t have to do these things. Handling the baggage of someone else’s mental health problems is not only a big responsibility, but it is a hard thing to do. Maneuvering through delicate conversations, trying to empathize with someone who thinks irrationally at times and being a source of physical comfort can get frustrating. But my significant other has made it evident time and time again that he wants to have these difficult conversations with me, that he wants to know every small trigger and he wants to know how I view certain situations. I cannot put into words how appreciative I am of him and every tiny little thing he does to alleviate my anxiety. This type of appreciation goes a long way, and despite whatever the future holds for us, I have learned a lot from him. Now, I know I am worthy of someone who helps take care of me when I fall down.
His empathy and compassion is better than any fancy date or extravagant gift. My anxiety is certainly a part of me, and I know it is not something that is going to go away anytime soon, but with my boyfriend’s support and love, I am slowly learning new ways to handle it better. This man has entered my life for a reason, and it was a long and difficult journey becoming vulnerable with me, but I do not regret it for one second.