Once a month, I want to die. It feels like the world is ending and pointless and I want to stop existing entirely. It’s a little dark, but it’s true. At first, I thought it was just being a teenager, but now I’m almost done with that whole thing. And then I diagnosed myself with seasonal depression, but it was happening in the summer. Then I thought it was PMS, but it wasn’t during my period. And then I concluded it was pure coincidence, and that once a month, I’d want to die. Oh, shucks. Nothing to do but roll with it.
Fast forward to five months ago, when I was scrolling through TikToks-turned-into-Instagram-Reels-turned-into-YouTube Shorts, I came across the aesthetic world of beige-wearing, matcha-drinking, pilates-doing wellness girlies. And their current obsession? Cycle tracking. These “it girl” masterminds have aestheticized medicine; they’ve taken the basic four-stage menstrual cycle and made it an exclusive routine element of their it-girl-ness. Girl power indeed.
Now, I’m not one to do whatever people on the Internet tell me to (again, excluding that one time last quarter when I clicked on the sketchy link and was immediately hacked. Don’t bring it up. Still too soon). But I did see some echoes of my own experience in their curated, cycle-following lifestyle. They, too, wanted to lie down (and maybe not die, but still) a week before their period. They were wicked productive two weeks after. They were strangely hungry on day one of their cycles. As I spotted parallel after parallel, I decided to whip out my calendar and start tracking my mood for a month or two to see if they were really right.
Although there is debate about the validity of this system, the idea that there are four phases to the menstrual cycle is well-spread throughout health and wellness communities. These phases include menstruation, the follicular phase, ovulation and the luteal phase. Each phase involves different hormone levels, which results in different moods, motivation levels and cravings. TikTok wellness girls have aestheticized these phases, assigning certain pilates routines, green juices or relaxation techniques to each phase. Now, I wasn’t following their fancy routines, but I did find that my feelings seemingly coincided with theirs.
Of course, it wasn’t fully accurate; everyone’s cycles and hormone levels are different. And maybe a lot of this was the placebo effect. But after two months of tracking my mood and cycle, I started to find myself predicting my future behavior. I’d buy dark chocolate a day before the craving would come. I’d align my big essays with my mid-cycle motivation spike. And most importantly, I’d cut myself a whole lot of slack on my three “I want to die” days a week before my period. I have come to expect them, so I do my work in advance and allow myself to be a little unproductive on those days. I watch TV, eat a little junk, sleep early and let the days pass. And now, I don’t really feel like dying anymore. I just know I need some rest, and I take it.
Once I started working with my body rather than getting frustrated with it, I started getting so much more done and feeling a ton better while doing it. We get all swept up in our school, work and social lives, and often we don’t pause to simply pay attention to our bodies. We mistakenly act like a ten-step skincare routine is all the self-care we need. But I think that what we ultimately need is to understand ourselves, so we can work with ourselves. Mood tracking might not figure it all out for you; maybe you aren’t as dictated by your hormones as I seem to be. But even if it just means that you’re taking the time to observe the way your feelings come and go, I think that is caring for yourself.
What can I say? Those green-juice drinking, slicked-bun-wearing, yoga-champion TikTok wellness girlies did it again. I thank them for their service. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m approaching my “I want to die” days, so I’m off to bed where I’ll peacefully inhale an entire season of Bridgerton and call it self-care.