Content warning: mentions of anxiety and depression
In a society where many people claim mental illness and self-diagnose, those of us who are truly battling mental health issues look like the girls who cry wolf. Depression and anxiety are nothing to glamorize. They are toxic and affect everyday life.
Clinical depression is a mental health disorder characterized by a persistently depressed mood and or loss of interests in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life. Growing up, I never realized that this was exactly what I was suffering through. It wasn’t until two years ago that I was able to speak with a counselor who informed me that I was dealing with depression and anxiety. It usually springs up randomly, or in some instance,s a situation may occur that will trigger the depression.
It’s not easy living with this. There are times where I lose energy and interest in everything that I love. I won’t want to speak or go out with friends, I’ll never come out of my room, and the smallest task can feel like the biggest obstacle. The feeling is almost indescribable; you just want to lay down and let life continuously pass you by.
Some days feel hopeless. Some days, I cry my eyes out because life is just filled with so much pain and I can’t seem to escape—so I just lay there and allow life to happen to me. It can cause a huge distraction in regards to being a college student. My mood begins to shift and I suddenly can’t concentrate. Sometimes I can go weeks without completing an assignment and all I feel is emptiness, and I can’t seem to bring myself back to that state of caring about anything.
Anxiety can involve the reoccurrence of unexpected panic attacks. Panic attacks are sudden periods of intense fear that come on quickly and reach their peak within minutes. Panic attacks can occur unexpectedly or can be brought on by a trigger, such as a feared object or situation.
My experience with anxiety was terrifying. At the time I didn’t understand what was going on with me. It would happen out of nowhere and I would begin to shake uncontrollably, and I would start sweating, crying and freaking out. My mind and my heart would begin to race, and even falling asleep on these nights was a privilege that I couldn’t indulge in. Those days were dark, and sometimes it felt like too much to bear.
Yet, there are days I wake up and I can feel the difference. I can wake up and feel joy, and I can get through a full day of not being exhausted. I try to take advantage of the high that I feel in these moments because I know that it doesn’t last long. Since my last encounter with depression and anxiety, I have decided to start taking my mental health seriously.
I now attend CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) at UCF. Journaling also helps me in those weak times. I try to write down my thoughts and I also use it as a coping tool. I want to be able to have a mentally healthy life like most people—and that is what I plan to do by seeking help and learning how to function despite dealing with depression. I am taking charge of my mental health and I’m proud of it.
If you’re struggling with anxiety or depression, UCF has resources available through CAPS. If you’re not a UCF student, you can use these resources.
