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How To Get Your Quarantine Body

The sun shines brightly. The skies are blue. Your body is in its most lethargic state. Stop worrying about your beach bod and worry about the real goal -- your quarantine bod. There may be a pandemic going around causing hundreds of thousands of deaths and sparking economic depression, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start developing your quarantine body today. With these simple exercises, you’ll be ready to hit the couches and laze around in the air-conditioned comfort of home. This is no time to slack off! Get ready to fortify your quarantine body today. 

Exercise #1: Lift cheetos into your mouth. Do 15 reps in sets of 3. 

This exercise will work out your mouth muscles. Engaging them in such rigorous activity will allow the mouth to consume even more calories. This is beneficial for those seeking to gain mass (in pleasure, not muscle groups). SP Home 2Exercise #2: Walk to kitchen, restroom, and bed in that order. Do 2 reps in sets of 3. 

Walking to these various establishments, situated 125 ft. apart from each other, is an amazing workout for your leg muscles to gradually recess. As the muscles decay from lack of use, you’ll be able to coast around riding a motorized scooter akin to ones in the entrance of Wal-Mart or in Wall-E. 

Exercise #3: Engage your fingers by rapidly clicking remote buttons. Do 20 reps in sets of 4. 

The only thing losing more focus than your mind is this article. Do you think Jeb Bush still thinks about 2016? I digress. To saturate your hyperactive, easily-bored mind, click your remote buttons with extreme speed. Become the Usain Bolt of channel switching. You can code switch -- we’ve seen how you talk on Twitter versus English 103. Now, channel switch and work out those fingers! 

With these 3 simple exercises, you’ll come out of quarantine with an extremely incapable body wholly defined by its inability to perform most tasks unrelated to eating and sleeping. You will be the talk of the town! People will stare at you with envy or pity. Or perhaps both! Such a confusing emotional dichotomy will distract them from the feat of your body. Mazel tov.