Ever since I was a child, I have always been anxious.
I remember how in middle school, I started having stomach issues, and after around four months, all of my suffering was eventually blamed on “a nervous stomach.” I spent years trying to learn how to function normally, how not to overthink, and how to just be a normal person. None of it seemed to work.
When I got to college, everything got worse. Suddenly, I was struggling in classes for the first time in my academic career, and to make things worse, I was doing it completely alone. Around halfway through my freshman year, I turned in my first essay for one of my classes, and it made me so nervous that I felt paralyzed for an entire weekend. At that moment, I decided it was time to try something new.
At first, I went to a few counseling appointments through UT, but I struggled to be honest with my counselor about how I was feeling, which didn’t help. I really disliked the idea of seeking help because I always felt like my doctors and counselors would judge me and think less of me. Even the thought of that made me more anxious. It wasn’t easy, but eventually, I worked up the nerve and went to the doctor.
My doctor suggested I start taking anti-anxiety medication. Some part of me felt ashamed. I had always thought of my anxiety as something I just had to work through, and I never thought I would need medication. I thought medication meant that, in some unspoken way, I wasn’t strong enough to handle my own mind. I could feel the anxiety creeping through my chest as my doctor started reading off the seemingly endless list of possible side effects, and I couldn’t help but think, “Do I really need this?”
Somehow, I walked out of the doctor’s office unsure, but willing enough to give it a try, and the first few weeks were brutal. I felt like I was having emotional outbursts in a way I never had before. I wasn’t sleeping, and I was incredibly nauseous. Every single part of me wanted to stop, but I was lucky to have an incredible support system around me that convinced me to keep giving it a try.
After some time, my body adjusted to the medication. The side effects eased, and I reached a balance. I was expecting to feel less like myself or numb, but for the most part, I felt normal. I started to realize that some of the things that once made my stomach turn didn’t feel like such a big deal anymore. I started to feel more confident about myself, and I became a bit more outgoing. I felt free.
As much as I appreciated how my first anti-anxiety treatment helped me, the process of finding your best fit medication-wise is not a straight journey for everyone, and it certainly hasn’t been for me. I recently started a new combination of medications, and I’m no longer really stressed about how it may change me as a person.
I don’t feel any less like myself; medication didn’t erase who I was or change my personality. It just allows me to think more clearly. For the first time in my life, I no longer feel like I’m in a fight with my own brain. While anti-anxiety meds aren’t for everyone, they’ve helped me feel more like myself.