Darkness is encasing the city earlier and earlier. Daylight savings time just ended, plunging the late afternoon into early nightfall. I personally don’t handle this very well. While some people have diagnoses and there are official names for why people struggle during this time, I’m not a doctor. I call this time the “Winter Blues.”
I cancel plans, I lose motivation to clean my apartment, and I bury myself in oversized sweats and blankets. It gets to a point where I don’t want to get off the couch, do my homework, or talk to anyone.
I’ve tried the methods many people recommend such as vitamin D, sunlamps, and exercise but it’s hard to stay on top of these things when I hardly notice a difference and lack the motivation to keep up with these additional tasks. Depression, seasonal or otherwise, is messy, and we shouldn’t be punishing ourselves for just trying to get by.
My favorite thing to do is write, and even that falls by the wayside in the winter. My brain seemingly shuts off, and I struggle to find the creativity I need to compose something coherent and interesting. Although we’re barely a month into the early darkness, I was getting mad at myself for letting this go.
I can remind myself all I want that this is normal for me, but it doesn’t feel any less discouraging to not be able to operate at my full capacity. When the sun is out, I feel better in my brain; I’m more sociable, and my grades in school are better.
When the sun is gone, I find myself fighting for my life to get to class, to keep my grades where I want them to be, and to get out of bed in the morning. Adjusting to this new normal is difficult, but it doesn’t mean I’m failing. I’m not good with change but understanding that for four months out of the year my new normal means being less active is the first step to not punishing myself.
I start by not agreeing to as many social plans. I know that I won’t be able to keep up with them. Maybe socializing is helpful in the short term, but it feels worse to cancel plans than it does to not make them in the first place. I give myself the extra space to rest, and I set aside one day a week to lock in on cleaning my apartment and small tasks I have to get done.
I’m starting to realize that my best doesn’t look the same every day. Sometimes, my best is going to all my classes, completing my homework early, and showing up to every plan with my friends. Other times, my best is going to look different. Even if there’s days that all I do is get out of bed and sit on the couch, that’s okay too.
So, this is a reminder to give yourself some grace this winter season, and to remember that it’s okay to take a step back from life to prioritize yourself. If you’re one of those lucky people who aren’t negatively affected by the darker hours, give your friends who do struggle some grace— they’re not disappearing on purpose; they’re just temporarily hibernating.