I’m someone who values my relationships a lot – the relationships I have with my family, my friends, my peers. But where does that value come from? Seems like it should be an easy answer, but an easy answer doesn’t always indicate an easy question.
I’ve spent time locating meaning in my relationships, and where my perception of that meaning derives from. Throughout this process, I have been met with a whirlpool of “easy” questions; every question leads to another, and another. So much so that all I can offer you is a question: Who are you when you’re not being likeable?
I’ve repeatedly asked myself this question. I spend a lot of time trying to be likeable. I am aware that most of my sentences are packaged to sustain the best, most easily-forgiven perception others can have of me.
I’m also someone who believes every statement, regardless of context, can be reconfigured to land as nicely and gently as possible. All it takes is some strategy. What’s the problem with that? Well, maybe we should know what game we’re strategizing for, and what it takes to claim success.
Realistically speaking, my goal for being likeable is actually my goal to keep people happy, and around. In contemplating my own “likeability”, I question the accuracy of which others perceive me. Who am I keeping around, and who am I keeping happy?
The reality is, we aren’t meant to package ourselves to be perfectly delivered and accepted by everyone, all of the time. When we sort ourselves by the degree to which others tolerate us, we lose touch with ourselves. Better yet, if you’re only tolerating someone when they act in a warmly disarming way, or numb their own feelings for your comprehension, you’re not actually tolerating them. Even if you think you are, they know that you’re not, because they’re not giving you the chance to.
Sure, we can cling to likeability as much as possible. Sure, we can still be nice among other traits. However, when you contort your own thought patterns and behaviours to fit the mould of “likeability” set by someone else, you accept a space in their brains that might not actually be fitting.
We lose ourselves when we prioritize being likeable over accessing our truest selves and communicating openly.
If you’re experiencing your life through the eyes of those around you, you’re not really experiencing much.
So, I’ll ask once again: who are you when you’re not being likeable?
This question doesn’t have to be aggressive. There are a lot of other amazing traits one can possess all while not being “likeable”. It all depends on whose definition of “likeable” we prioritize – someone else’s, or our own. When you’re considering this question under your own definition of likeable, you can rationally identify who you become. For instance, if communicating openly mitigates likeability, what does it unlock?
If you’re not being likeable, what if you’re still being honest, smart, assertive, bold, funny, explorative, brutal, compelling, full, or true? Do these traits not outweigh being “liked”?
Easy questions don’t always have easy answers, either. It’s okay if the answer is “no”, or “I don’t know”. Obviously. All that matters is that one of the people we look to for answers to our questions is ourselves.
In readjusting ourselves to meet our own definitions, we can rely on one relationship, to be honest, and true: the relationship we have with ourselves.