Human beings tend to see their own feelings as black and white; they are either there, or they are not. I think this mentality is adopted from the structure of society humanity is moving towards: where we see individuals around us either striving to acknowledge and “overcome” their trauma and negative emotions, or others hanging onto the opposite end of the rope — people who seemingly are able to switch their feelings “off” to keep up with the external pace of their routines. In either case, an observation I have timelessly made is the notion that emotions and feelings are the “woman’s job” to manage, on both an individual level and a relational level. This serves to ask the greater question: why is it that we make this association between feelings and women? Why women specifically?
On an individual level, women are attributed with the traits of empathy and compassion solely based on their identification as a woman. They are viewed as highly sensitive subjects, ready to meltdown when provoked, and the source of all joys when in brighter spirits. In this lens, women are almost seen as “over-users” of emotion, due to their ability to carry a high load of them at once.
It is important to reflect on the idea that men are not the baseline for emotional expression, regardless of how frequently society and media like to paint that narrative. Recall the references to the sporadic girlfriend who keys her guy’s car after an argument, or the verses in popular songs that refer to women as “crazy” for feeling sad over a simple social interaction. With such pervasive messages circling the atmosphere, it is almost impossible to arrive at the notion that women are human beings, not hyperactive, unrestrained feelers.
This is a fact that even underdeveloped AI seems to recognize for no fault of its own; if you asked AI to generate an image of depression, anxiety, or sadness, almost all of the results will produce images of distraught women. These results are a direct reflection of the information we validate, and through this perspective, women are consistently characterized as highly “dramatic” or sensitive individuals.
Another related conversation is how emotional regulation is seen as something that is inherently meant for women, forcing men to be viewed as less emotional and apathetic in their thoughts and behaviors. Compared to men, women have more density in their neural pathways, allowing them to absorb and process information at a much more advanced level. However, this does not indicate a lack of soul in the comparative man. There are men who are able to express their emotions and feelings maturely, creating connections based on their ability to do so. The reality for many young men in this generation, however, is that most of them are trapped in a social sphere which limits their expression with a blatant fear of negative perception.
Media loves to tell us that men who admit their feelings are seen as weak, “simps,” or less masculine because the parallel man is supposed to be pragmatic and logical in his approach to his feelings. This perspective wreaks havoc for men’s mental health across all platforms; if the basis of one’s expression is limited, how will he ever learn to share his own thoughts constructively? Furthermore, how can we expect men to match the emotional level of women when there is a lack of emotional safety for them to do so? The social expectation of gendered role fulfillment perpetuates this cycle of in-expression and over-expression in men and women, which leaves no scope for improvement in communication.
With this overarching theme in mind, it is easy to assume that the “burden” of communication should only be the responsibility of the woman. I like to think about romantic relationships when navigating this perspective. Think about how many heterosexual women enter relationships with emotionally underdeveloped men, thinking they have some ability to “fix him.” How many failed relationships have you heard of where the girl is trying to “fix” her man? It is redundant and almost always ends in heartbreak.
The fact of the matter is, the man was never ready for any level of emotional depth, and instead silently passed the baton of his emotional immaturity to his girl, with the silent expectation that she would be responsible for “making him a better man,” or in other words, dealing with his issues since he cannot outwardly do so himself. In this reality, by not working on himself, the unaddressed emotional conflicts he experiences must become his partner’s responsibility to alter. As social beings, some will believe the woman inherently has a capacity to do so, and they view this as “respectable” instead of unfair to her. Another example could be the fights couples have after a honeymoon phase. People are quick to point fingers at the woman for being “clingy” or “needy” after a certain period of time, when in most cases, her partner’s lack of self awareness in his own emotional needs and actions is a strong contributor to her changed behavior.
Maybe the “norms’’ of expression that have been created for men and women make him unable to see how he takes her presence for granted, or how she has put in the work to help him regulate his emotions, and yet he has no ability to provide her with anything equivalent for her own well-being in return. Shouldn’t she deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is aware of her own emotional needs? Society says no. For the journey to “bettering” a man is one that a woman, whether a partner, spouse, or mother, is wrongfully trained for after years and years of her own emotional unacceptance and invalidation.
The only solution is to talk. Discussion sparks growth, and it is vital to everyone’s well-being to have these conversations and recognize the limitations we create for ourselves by adhering to traditional assumptions and values. We have the ability to foster a more compassionate environment, where feelings are feelings, and they do not whisper about someone’s character or personality. In the most simple terms, we need to recognize that we all experience the same emotional landscape, and by taking responsibility for the image we create, we can effectively participate in all pages of our self-expression.