Setting boundaries is a sign of strength.
We all want to be confident people, as we believe it helps in many areas of our lives, from professional careers to personal relationships. This concept isn’t wrong, and confidence is, in fact, one of the essential ingredients to a successful and fulfilled life. Confident people have one thing in common: they know how to set clear boundaries with themselves and others.
Setting boundaries can be scary and frightening for those who fear having straightforward conversations with others. We may not want to sound rude or mean, but if we don’t stand up for ourselves, we’ll keep leaving a piece of our self-esteem in every discussion that could have been avoided. I know; I’ve been there too. But here I am to tell you that this is entirely fixable, and confident people have brave conversations when the situation asks for it.
We have all heard before that communication is the key to a successful relationship with others. While this is true, communication is also the key to a successful self-relationship! If we ignore the details in our own lives, noticing patterns and specific situations that always take away the best of us, how will we know where boundaries are needed?
For example, if you’re constantly getting annoyed by your teammates at a group chat that never answers your questions, the only way to fix the situation is to speak up and be straightforward about what you need. Complaining is not getting us anywhere. There are many ways to do so without coming off as mean, so keep reading for some gold tips.
Taking charge of the wheel in your life is the most important thing you can focus on developing. Knowing yourself so well that you can sit down and write down at least five things that you will not accept in your life anymore can sound extreme, but it’s so helpful. Think about how many situations repeated in your life could have been avoided by the simple fact that you acknowledge the impact it had on you before.
It is time to dive deeply into us to find where boundaries need to be traced. Is it by not letting a close friend step on your toes anymore? Is it learning to say ‘no’ instead of ‘yes’ to please others? Is it respecting your own time to work, study, and communicate that to others? Whatever situation needs an extra hand in your life, you got this.
“Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.”
—Winston Churchill
Now, one thing is for sure: brave conversations aren’t always easy. The word ‘brave’ can already give it away, and courage is your best friend in these moments. Being brave is not only about putting on a poker face and controlling yourself not to break down. It’s about being vulnerable, but not only in terms of crying and showing a mix of emotions. Vulnerability comes in other ways, such as showing the other person that you care for them enough to set clear boundaries rather than giving up on your relationship.
So, how to know it’s time for a brave conversation?
Whenever we face a situation that bothers us to a level that it’s not fun to be in, we know it’s time to make a change. The key is to be aware of your mood swings when uncomfortable events happen and realize where you could have extra help. Here are some steps to follow when setting boundaries:
- Understand what it is that makes you think boundaries are needed. What behavior is not acceptable to you?
- Think about other reactions you could have when someone crosses the line with a behavior that doesn’t sit right for you. Would you reply? Would you leave the room or hang up the phone?
- Make a communication plan with a compelling message to others that particular behavior will no longer be tolerated. And most importantly, really do follow through with what you said. People will continue doing things that bother you if you are too lean. But if you show how serious you are, something will have to change if they care about you. If the boundaries are being set within yourself, try thinking of all the outcomes that can result from this action and how it can affect you in the long run.
A good activity is to be by yourself when a situation is bothering you. Being in silence and writing down all the emotions you are feeling can be a compass to what boundaries could be set to avoid unnecessary stress.
How to communicate my courageous move appropriately
Courage is stepping out of your comfort zone. No one likes to talk about uncomfortable situations with others, so don’t overthink whether you should or not do it. Think as if you’re ripping off a band-aid: the faster, the better. But this doesn’t mean to not think about what you’re going to say, yet only don’t overthink how bad it could affect another person. Sometimes we must put ourselves first. How would you feel about yourself if we kept not setting clear boundaries with others for fear of them being upset with us?
Some tips on how to communicate effectively with others (and with ourselves) include:
- Make it personal. Talk about the situation from a perspective on how it makes you feel. For example, “When you don’t call me at the end of the day, I feel upset and hurt.” Try not to blame the person for their actions in the first place; this will only make them feel defensive towards you for the rest of the conversation.
- Once you set your feelings, it’s time to go to the resolution. “With this situation, I think we can work on this, but I want to know if you’re also willing to make a change.” This will bring the topic back to the person for a response, and then you can evaluate if they understand what you’re saying.
- Wait for the response and listen to what they have to say back. You can be surprised by the other person’s answer! Maybe they’ve been feeling the same way as you, or they had no idea this was happening on your side. Be open to receiving a response, whatever it may be. That’s why preparing for these courageous conversations is extremely important.
- If you still need to state more about the situation, be assertive. Assertiveness means being honest and understanding until what point is within your control. For example, what the other person responds to you is not within your reach; therefore, you shouldn’t overthink the possible scenarios in that. As long as you stay close to your truth, I promise you’ll be in peace.
- After being assertive and speaking about why this bothers you, set the boundary. “If we’re not able to speak to each other at the end of each day, I’ll not be willing to move forward with our relationship.” It may look extreme, but if you don’t stick your feet in the ground firmly, people will keep stepping on it.
Remember that intention matters the most. What we focus on is what we get. If you intend to make the best out of a situation and become your best self, only good things that align with these goals will come your way rather than relationships and situations that should have had a final dot a long time ago. It is not mean or rude to set boundaries and show what you think is not suitable for yourself, your health, and your lifestyle. You have the right to feel everything you do, and if others don’t understand that, it may be time to let something go—it’s for the best.