The more times I asked myself what constituted being a high-level college athlete, the more I incorporated that version of myself in my daily life. More practice. More workouts. Eating what is acceptable. What’s the ultimate balance in life—what is too much or too little? Loved ones will tell us that much of the pressure that I and many others have experienced is self-inflicted. They’ll say that we’re too hard on ourselves and that we need to “take it easy.” However, we refuse to consider the environment we grow up in, the expectations around us, and what causes us to feel pressure. Instead we just accept this pressure as normal.
Many of my friends from my hometown are college athletes who also felt the pressure to exceed perceived expectations of talent and skill. What determined your worth as a teenager? Were you athletic? These questions swarmed my peers’ and I’s brains from a young age. I play college soccer, and when I look back on what got me here, the good moments are not exlusive from the high-stress moments. All college athletes deal with adversity on the field, on the court, or on the ice; it is a part of the game. However, undue pressure can lead to obsessive thoughts and consuming habits; screaming parents, peer comparison and toxic coaches exist in every athlete’s life.
After having torn almost every ligament in my knee for the second time, I felt compelled to reflect on why my sport was “taken” from me. I question if it really was “stolen,” or if there were other reasons for this hardship. I seriously considered if it was my fault, despite having so much passion for my sport and struggling to be without it for two years. I asked myself why I was in this position. As I began to start working out and playing my sport again, I started to think about my past and present habits in regards to my lifestyle. I doubled-down on my workout routines due to this undying pressure—at points reaching multiple hours a day, driven by a looming fear of failure in my mind. I pushed myself beyond my limits. Posts of other athletes flooded my social media pages and I was stuck in this internal battle of comparison augmented by a negative youth sport experience. Now, I spend a little less time hititng the gym and incorporate healthy habits like meditation into my life. Many athletes take their time with their sport for granted, and after losing my identity for the second time, I want to play my sport to the fullest.
All athletes need to prioritize keeping “the light” in their passion. The journey of an athlete is anything but a smooth process, on top of academic responsibilities. So while going through years of ups and downs with my sport, passion is the one thing that has powered me through the hard times and should be at the forefront of this grand experience in the end. No game is forever. My livelihood shouldn’t be taken by my sport, it should be enhanced.