When I first came to Kenyon, I was terrified. Back home, I had a set group of friends that I did everything with, and going to college meant that I suddenly had to leave them behind. I didn’t know anyone here and to move from a familiar setting to an unfamiliar one kind of messed me up for a bit. The first week or two, I didn’t really feel like I had connected to anyone. I didn’t really make it a habit to approach people, and when I did, I fumbled my way through the short social interaction. I didn’t make an impression on people since I’m so quiet and reserved when I first meet people. Anyone that I’m close to can tell you that this is not the case. I enjoy being loud and vulgar and outspoken; it’s just hard to do so in an unknown setting. I felt stifled and anxious constantly, scared to misstep and screw up my new life here. All in all, I was lonely.I missed my friends back home. I missed our inside jokes, our shared interests, our easy communication, but most importantly, I missed the physical and emotional comfort they gave me. I cried a lot and had some panic attacks while wondering if I had made the right choice. I wondered if my dad was right and I would come home within my first year away. But then, the girls in my dorm and I connected, and I was able to widen my friend group as I became more integrated into Kenyon as a whole. I belonged to a group of people who were loud and crazy and lovable and wanted to be my friend.
Sometimes I let my insecurities and anxieties get the best of me, and I tell myself that people only allow me to be around out of convenience or some misplaced sense of pity. I know on some innate level that it’s not true, and I cherish all the wonderful friends that I made here so far, but it’s hard to not feel that way when you’re uprooted from your previous life. I think that this kind of situation can make anyone think like that. All of the new experiences and people at Kenyon have been amazing, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that when all you can think about is how much you miss your best friend or your dog or your parents.The anxiety is still there, ever present, even if I wish that it wasn’t, but it isn’t always in the forefront. Small things like someone telling me that I’m appreciated or talking with my roommate about our days can help me feel less lonely. Concerning my anxiety, that’s a bit trickier. My personal remedy is talking seriously with a counselor or with my best friend from back home who always manages to calm me down even if she is 2,000 miles away.
I realized that this whole thing of charting unfamiliar territory really sucks, but I just need to remember that I am going to be okay. And, telling myself that is how I manage to crawl out of bed in the mornings. I am okay and I will do just fine today.