I don’t know about you, but I have dealt with mental illness for a good bit of my life. Throughout my time dealing with my illnesses (yes I have more than one, I’ll touch on that in a minute) it has always been hard trying to explain to people what I am dealing with. I mean most of them try their hardest to understand, which I appreciate, but it still hard trying to confide in someone who really can’t grasp it, and it’s hard to find words to really explain it in a way that makes sense.
Ever since even before I was first diagnosed I turned to music to really validate what I was feeling. I would listen to what the singer was saying and relate it perfectly to what I was feeling. So, I am going to show try and take you on my mental health journey through song. My journey starts out with anxiety and depression as most mental health journeys do nowadays. I was 14 years old and in eighth grade. Let’s first start out with the clinical definitions. I am officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Clinical Depression & Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The GAD is simply defined as severe, ongoing anxiety that interferes with daily activities, the Clinical Depression is defined as persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life and the OCD is simplified as excessive thoughts (obsessions) that lead to repetitive behaviors (compulsions) but the OCD really falls under the Anxiety umbrella.
Now let’s dive in:
Anxiety
Breathin’ by Ariana Grande
“Feel my blood runnin’, swear the sky’s fallin’
How do I know if this shit’s fabricated?
Time goes by and I can’t control my mind Don’t know what else to try, but you tell me every time
Just keep breathin’ and breathin’ and breathin’ and breathin'”
A big part of my anxiety, in the beginning, was panic attacks. I would feel like I couldn’t breathe. I would be on the floor rocking back and forth sobbing. It was always over something so small and normal but to me, that fear and panic was so real. Like Ariana, I felt like I couldn’t control my mind. I got through these attacks (which were happening multiple times a week) with my therapist and breathing techniques. My mom would always hold me and remind me to breathe.
Night Changes by One Direction
“We’re only getting older baby
And I’ve been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up But there’s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you”
As stupid and cliche as it might sound, One Direction had a lot to do with my recovery. All of their music got me through a lot, Night Changes being one of those songs. A lot of my anxiety revolved around change and the fear of change and the unknown. There had been to many times in my life that I went to sleep completely fine then woke up and my entire world was changed all within a night. This song helped remind me that no matter what changes it will all turn ok okay.
Migraine by Twenty One Pilots
“I am not as fine as I seem
Pardon, me for yelling and telling you green gardens
Are not what’s growing in my psyche, it’s a different me
A difficult beast feasting on burnt down trees
Freeze frame, please let me paint a mental picture portrait
Something you won’t forget, it’s all about my forehead
And how it is a door that hold’s back contents
That makes Pandora’s box contents look non-violent
Behind my eyelids are islands of violence
My mind ship-wrecked this is the only land my mind could find I did not know it was such a violent island
Full of tidal waves, suicidal crazed lions
They’re trying to eat me, blood running down their chin
And I know that I can fight, or I can let the lion win I begin to assemble what weapons I can find
‘Cause sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind”
A subsection of my Anxiety is a new competitor that has entered the boxing ring that is my mind; its name is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Now I have a whole other article talking about my OCD, so you can go read that is you want all the tea, but he is a snip bit. My OCD revolves around obsessive thoughts, meaning I constantly have intrusive thoughts running a marathon in my head and I am forced to deal and dwell on those thoughts before anything else.
Depression & Anger
Why by NF
“Yeah, what’s your definition of success? (Ayy!)
I don’t trust the thoughts that come inside my head (woo!)
I don’t trust this thing that beats inside my chest
Who I am and who I wanna be cannot connect; why?
Don’t think I deserve it? You get no respect (woo!)
I just made a couple mil’, still not impressed
Let You Down goes triple platinum, yeah, okay, okay, I guess (ayy!)
Smile for a moment then these questions startin’ to fill my head, not again!
I push away the people that I love the most; why? (Woo!)
I don’t want no one to know I’m vulnerable; why? (Woo!)
That makes me feel weak and so uncomfortable; why? (Ayy!)
Stop askin’ me questions, I just wanna feel alive
Until I die”
It was only recently that I had a breakthrough in therapy where I connected my anger and depression. I was always an angry kid. If you ask me, I would say that 10-year-old Jess was a b*tch. Well, it turns out my mind tells me that being angry is better than sulking and being sad. My mind looks at anger as being strong and being sad as being weak, and I can’t stand the idea of being thought of as weak. This character flaw has caused me to push away people I love much like the songs says, and I’m sorry.
The Show Must Go On by Queen
“The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My makeup may be flaking
But my smile, still, stays on
My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairy tales of yesterday, grow but never die
I can fly, my friends The show must go on
The show must go on
I’ll face it with a grin
I’m never giving in
On with the show”
Oh, Queen. This was the first song that I’ve listened to and immediately wanted the lyrics tattooed on me. It has yet to happen but the thought has been in my mind for probably four years now. No mattered how I felt on the inside I rarely let it show on the outside. Most of my friends had and have no idea what is or has gone on inside my head. I’ve just reminded myself that “the show must go on.”
Beautiful by Eminem
“Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, and I’m reaching out for you
I’m just so f*ckin’ depressed
I just can’t seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps
Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up
In order for me to pick that mic back up
I don’t know how or why or when
And I ended up in this position I’m in
I starting to feel distant again”
During the times where I let the depression come in the form of sadness, it isn’t the type of sadness that one might think of when they here the word. It is a feeling of nothing-ness. It is being completely numb. Think of simply being in a pool under the water, alone. You look and there is water for as far as you can see and you’re just floating there nothing going in or out of your mind.
Recovery
Scars by Sam Smith
“It’s been a long five years, I’ve cried a thousand tears
And here we are after the war
But we’re so much better now the skies are clearer
Now there’s no more slamming doors
Now I say
Dear Mother, how you’ve come so far
Your love has fixed all of our broken hearts
I hope you’re proud, mother, of what you’ve done
It’s a lifelong lesson and I’m not pretending when I say
You cleared up my scars
You cleared up my scars”
My journey with mental illness isn’t over. I will more than likely have to deal with some different subsections of my illnesses for the rest of my life. I don’t think I would have been so successful on this journey though if it wasn’t for my friends and family, especially my mom. She is the strongest woman I know. Like damn she can go through hell and still come up with a smile on her face. She helped fix me. She believed me. She didn’t ever think I was crazy. She did and still does anything she can to make sure I stay on track.
I’ll Be There For You by The Rembrandts (Theme from FRIENDS)
“So no one told you life was gonna be this way
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke
Your love life’s D.O.A
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month
Or even your year, but
I’ll be there for you (When the rain starts to pour)
I’ll be there for you (Like I’ve been there before)
I’ll be there for you (‘Cause you’re there for me too)”
Finally, to everyone else that is with me on this journey, thank you. You were always there for me to midnight FaceTime calls, surprise sleepovers, four a.m. talks or taking the long way home then stopping at Denny’s for milkshakes it all made the best difference even if neither of us really knew at the moment, it all helped.
We all have a journey just sometimes it’s hard to explain. I hope this helps.
Check out the Spotify Playlist I made with all the songs: