From being an eager, nervous freshman looking forward to making friends and moving into my dorm room, to being a senior applying to graduate school and stressing about employment, I can confidently say that college has been the loneliest time of my life.
I don’t say this in a pitiful, “woe is me” type of way, but in an honest way. I’ve spent my days eating alone almost every day, navigating classes without consistent connections, feeling disconnected in a crowded room, having surface-level, fleeting friendships, studying seemingly all of the time, and all with headphones in as often as possible. With established routines, “lonely” is a feeling I have grown quite connected to (ironic, I know).
The constant loneliness used to bother me a lot. I had felt like I was alone in my loneliness. It seemed like everyone else always had plans with friends or eventful weekends to look forward to. As an introverted person, I felt like I was doing something wrong or like I was socially inept. My freshmen and sophomore years were quite difficult because of this. I would get down on myself and neglect my academics as a result. I felt trapped in a mental stupor that I didn’t know how to address, much less escape.
College is an inherently selfish time in someone’s life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. For me, it’s primarily about getting an education in a field that interests me or offers me a prosperous future. However, college is also a time of intense self-discovery and reflection. It will make you question many aspects of your identity: the kind of person you are and want to be, your interests and hobbies, how you spend your time, your friendships or romantic relationships and whether or not they are good for you, etc. I found that in my time spent alone, I thought a lot about myself in a way that I never had before. It was in my junior year where I had a life-changing realization: there is value in my loneliness.
I’ve invested in myself through hobbies like writing, reading, journaling, and baking. In an odd, seemingly backwards way, I have more confidence because of it. I can go out in public alone without feeling like I’m being noticed. I can better self-regulate and know when I need time to decompress from intense situations. I confront my curiosities and questions head-on without fear of judgment. I understand deeply that, even without all of my other relationships, I will always have myself. I appreciate my own company in a way that I haven’t before. It has been a long journey to find optimism in what used to feel like such a heavy weight. And don’t get me wrong, I still have my hard moments trying to deal with loneliness. However, I now know that no matter how alone I feel, I have support systems that care for my wellbeing, confidence, and the strategies that I have created for myself to make those hard moments far more fulfilling and easy to navigate.
Now, with all of that being said, I do want to emphasize the most important thing that I have learned in loneliness: you’re never truly alone. In my darkest moments, I wanted to believe that there was no one who could possibly understand how I’m feeling. I know now that that’s an unfair assumption. Almost every college student has felt lonely at some point in their life, it just tends to be an unspoken struggle that’s difficult to approach. Even in the darkest of moments, there is always a person and community that cares for your wellbeing and wants to know when you are struggling. Finding these outlets may first prove stressful, but it is worth it in the end to know that there are people in your corner who support you.
JMU, like many other colleges across the country, has some really great resources available to students who may be having these hard feelings. If therapy is something you want to try but you’re unsure of where to start, the Counseling Center in SSC offers individual and group counseling sessions that are easy to schedule and could even become a routine. TimelyCare is also an option: a free counseling app that offers 24/7 helplines and trained professionals for call or text conversations. I have personally found it very helpful in moments of loneliness and isolation where I’m seeking help and connection. If therapy isn’t necessarily the route you’re seeking, JMU has an insane amount of clubs and organizations that cater to almost every niche imaginable. I have met some of my closest friends in clubs and I strongly encourage everyone to be involved in some sort of community outside of academia.
If you have been struggling with feelings of loneliness, I, along with so many people, are in your corner. Please don’t be afraid to reach out to a loved one or professional for advice or simply as an outlet for your feelings. Find what routines and activities work best for you in tough times, whether it be in hobbies, trying new things, or academic events and projects. College is a uniquely stressful time that feels like it will never end. But, now that I’m approaching graduation, I can see and appreciate what college has given me.
I’ve realized that life is so much larger than I thought, with many possibilities for connection, growth, self-discovery, and surprise. You’re never truly alone, so be kind, gentle, and forgiving to yourself in a phase of life that is all about change.