I distinctly remember the thought.
The thought where I stopped and went, “oh no.”
The thought where I realized, “there’s no way this can be healthy”.
And that thought was…
I’m not drinking any more water today. I don’t have time to get up to use the bathroom.
That’s when I consciously stopped saying, “I wasted so much time yesterday” when I really meant, “I had to take an hour out of my day to eat lunch at a leisurely pace as opposed to being hungry and miserable for five hours”.
I thought I needed to schedule things strictly and feel horrible every time I pressed snooze on my alarm or watched a cute YouTube video.
I was wrong, so I tried to fix that.
I uninstalled the website blockers that cut out YouTube, TV streaming, and any fun website from my life. I allowed myself to allot time for cooking, exercise, sleep, and, yes, bathroom breaks too.
But guess what?
When I started to cook good food for myself, go for a run during the week, sleep more than four hours, and drink as much water as I wanted, I didn’t need to procrastinate anymore. I felt satisfied. I could watch one video without watching five hours more of clickbait news and livestreams. I didn’t dig deeper holes for myself when working.
I went upwards, towards the sun.
I love working. I feel satisfied when I accomplish tasks, check off a chore, or finish a project I’ve been working on since forever.
When you start being kind to yourself…
When you stop saying “I procrastinated so much” and start saying, “I regret nothing”…
When you wake up one day and say, “I am enough”…
When you say “I forgive you” even if the only person to forgive is yourself…
That’s when you start to heal from self-destructive habits.
I wish you all the happiness in the world, and I truly hope you learn to love yourself. Because you’ll be living with yourself your whole life. And I think you’re pretty awesome.