Back in May of this year, my health started taking a nosedive. I wasn’t myself, I felt unmotivated and just downright not happy. It was a combination of mental and physical health just giving in on me and the only way I could react was to stay in bed and cry for most of the time. I didn’t know how to get out of the weeds, I felt like I was being pulled down with no end in sight. So, here’s my story.
It started with a simple yearly eye appointment. Being a type one diabetic it’s important for me to do this yearly checkup and I had started to see so drastic changes in my vision. Throughout the appointment, it was a normal check of my eyes but then the doctor brought to my attention that he found a significant amount of bleeding behind my left eye. This was due to uncontrolled diabetes. I had let go of keeping my blood sugars under control and overall caring for my diabetes. I had gotten to a point in the last couple of years where I was done living with this disease. So, I did what I knew best, ignore it and let it take over my body in the worst way. With that came the news from my eye doctor, that if I didn’t get my blood sugars in better control, I was going to be at an increased risk of going blind. I felt like I was going to puke, I sat there trying my best to get through my appointment and once it was over, I bolted out the doors and to my car. I got in my car, locked the doors and started screaming and crying; why was this happening to me? I was terrified of going blind, I didn’t want to miss things. I’d like to say this was just the only worry, but it gets further & deeper with my health.
Mental health is an evil bitch. She tells you you’re worthless and that you don’t fit into this world. She gets in your head and under your skin. I cried for months. I was happy in my relationship and other aspects of my life but the ones that hurt were the self-portrayal of myself, my confidence level, and past trauma with death in my family. You see, majoring in food science and nutrition can be a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you’re learning so much about eating habits and how to help others. A curse, because I don’t have the ideal body type that preaches “good nutrition.” It preached the walking contradiction for me. I felt ashamed to be representing my department standing next to my cohort that was skinny, athletic, and had the better eating habits. Do you know what this got me? A depleted self-confidence and a horrible binge eating disorder. I knew after a while it was time to get help, I knew it and so did my boyfriend Cameron. I started therapy in early June and continue to see a counselor to unpack situations I deal with and how to put my energy to better use.
So, I mentioned a binge eating disorder. Let’s touch on that. Throughout therapy, you get these surveys you take before every session and the one or two questions regarding food to cope with feelings got a high score of if I do that nearly every day. I resorted to food for the last few years dealing with the death of my dad and basically using it as a comfort to not deal with feelings properly. This prompted my therapist to have me work with a dietitian. Of all the things that could happen, I had to have a nutrition-related problem which I know all about and I couldn’t even help myself. As a nutrition major with an eating disorder, I felt so ashamed. Until I realized this was more common than I discovered. I continue to work through my eating disorder, figuring out what triggers it and how I can take different approaches to deal with feelings rather than making food the way to deal with things. It’s a day-by-day process.
Why am I telling you this? Because others are dealing with it or don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t look for a sympathy factor with telling my story and choosing to be open and honest. I tell it because life gets better. You realize you can get through the day; you can make changes and you can be the best version of yourself. It’s waiting to burst out of you.