I was a dancer from the time I was eight to seventeen years old. I danced several hours a week, taking ballet, tap, jazz, etc. As much as I enjoyed the artistic expression that came with dancing and the benefits of staying active, the dance community fostered an extremely toxic environment that allowed my eating disorder and negative body image to thrive.
Since my anorexia diagnosis at 18, I’ve banned myself from exercising intensely as a method of warding off the obsessive thoughts around maintaining a thin body and burning calories. However, I am 21 now, and at a place in my recovery where I can slowly return to working out. My doctors have encouraged me to take on an activity that will get me moving and out of my head, but also won’t allow my disordered thoughts to resurface. I also have several chronic illnesses that have made it difficult to exercise with my weak heart and slippery, aching joints, making my journey to finding a workout plan difficult at first.
With gyms being closed due to COVID-19, I was forced to find an activity I could do at home or outside. Running was out of the question due to my physical illnesses, so I turned to Youtube. After exploring several fitness Youtubers who not only provided workouts that were fun and enjoyable, but also promoted physical wellness instead of weight loss and physical appearance, I began seeing benefits in my day to day life from working out. I fell in love with cardio kickboxing and cardio dance classes. When I’m feeling up to it, I also do HIIT workouts that focus on strength and endurance.
Having a background in dance, I’ve always missed the thrill of learning new choreography and mastering a dance routine. I missed feeling both strong and graceful. Barre classes as well as cardio dance videos helped me ease back into the dance world, without the competitive nature of in-person classes and criticism from strict instructors. Staying active has helped me feel strong in a way that is usually difficult to feel in a chronically ill body. Most channels I frequent also offer a low-impact option or modifications to each workout, helping me feel strong and hardworking despite my weaknesses. I’ve noticed a difference in my physical strength, as well as my mental state. I feel less stressed, and being active is a way to relieve excess anxiety and anger. Whenever I’m anxious and I do a fun dance party workout, I always feel lighter and positively energetic afterwards.
Working out from the comfort of my own home has also been beneficial. I don’t feel the pressure to compare myself to others, or criticize my skill. For example, as a former ballerina, I feel silly doing hip hop dances. But in the comfort of my own apartment, I don’t care because I’m doing it to have fun and relieve stress. It also helps me escape my mind for an hour or two. When I’m dancing or kickboxing, I’m only focused on the movements and following the instructors to perform the routines.
