A few weeks ago, I was up late in the library by myself, trying to finish a project worth 20% of my grade in one of my classes.
I had been listening to a study playlist with every track from Taylor Swift’s Evermore album, including one of my favorites, “It’s Time to Go.” Initially, the song served as background noise to filter out library chatter. However, it soon put me in a state of lingering questions and thoughts on friendships.
I decided to put the project aside for a second, open a notes page, and jot down everything on my mind. I hoped that getting these thoughts out would help me get back to work quickly.
It started with a list of a few things, like recapping how my week had been going. Then it got specific to all the lessons I’ve learned the last couple of years with some of the most impactful friendships of my life.
I noticed a theme in my writing: “warning signs” that a friendship was either not good for me or was nearing its end.
Sometimes the rose-colored glasses are just glued on too tight to notice these kinds of things, or like a spoonful of medicine, we don’t want to swallow it down. But one thing is for sure: the signs are there.
The question remains though… What are the signs? How do we know that a friendship is over?
- You Feel Worse After Hanging Out With Them
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I truly believe that we know more than we think we do.
This isn’t meant to sound egotistical—I certainly don’t know much about quantum physics or microbiology. However, I do know what I feel and when I feel it, especially after interacting with someone.
Friendships are a special kind of support system in our lives. That doesn’t necessarily mean the other person will “save the day” by solving our problems, but friends should listen to each other, give advice, or just sit in silence together. Friendship is about being there for each other and creating a space where you can be comfortable together.
I’ve had moments when I had to stop venting about my bad performance in a class to somebody because it felt more like a personal victory to them than receiving any kind of support. If I failed an exam, the first sentence to come out of their mouth was how they felt reassured that they were earning a higher grade in the class than me.
There have also been moments when I had to stop telling my “friends” about something positive that had happened because their immediate response was to foretell how it could go wrong or to water down my excitement. Anything along the lines of “I was just emailed about this cool opportunity!” never failed to invoke an “It’s really not that hard to achieve that.”
I’ve had too many thoughts of, darn, why did I ever say anything in the first place… to know now that you should never, and I mean never, feel like you need to “walk on eggshells” around a true friend!
- Trying To communicate is like pulling teeth
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Listen, I love talking to the wall as much as the next person (it’s a helpful way to walk through the thinking process!), but not when it’s with a friend.
There is truly nothing worse than trying to solve a problem while the other person is shutting you down, whether they’re denying everything you bring up (but saying otherwise to others) or flat-out giving you the silent treatment.
On the other hand, a good, emotionally mature friend will always try to salvage your friendship by talking it out, giving you some space, or whatever else works for you two.
The ones who don’t want to try to work it out are often perfectly fine with letting the friendship fizzle out, and that’s ok! Don’t force yourself to be somewhere you aren’t welcomed with open arms.
- everyone around you is telling you the same thing
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I’ve seen and laughed at so many TikToks about how our moms can almost sense a shift in the air and predict months in advance that a friend will betray us, but it’s honestly so true.
Sometimes, we want to maintain a friendship so much that we overlook the things that are staring us right in the face, ultimately setting ourselves up for hurt and deception.
In my experience, my family members and close friends can name patterns or come to conclusions more clearly than I can. They aren’t necessarily blinded by my history with the person or a desire to keep the peace. They’re able to call things out for what they are.
I’m begging you to spare yourself the lesson and hear them out. If they’re all picking up on the same thing, maybe it’s time to sit back and reflect.
Letting go of friendships that no longer serve us is not a failure. It’s an act of self-love and respect for oneself. It’s important to embrace the lessons learned and remember that when a door closes, a window opens.
Don’t be afraid to say it’s time to go.
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