Content warning: This article discusses self-harming and suicide. Maybe you’ve noticed your friend wearing long sleeves all the time, even when it’s burning hot outside. Or maybe they’ve been distancing themselves and constantly making comments about hating life and feeling hopeless. It can seem easy to brush these things off, but what if it means something more? These aren’t just scenarios in television shows — they’re some of the many signs that your friend may be struggling with self-harming. You don’t have to have all the answers — you just have to be there for them and know when to seek professional help.
Every year, thousands struggle with self-harming, yet it remains one of the most misunderstood mental health issues. Thousands of people view self-harm as a “cry for attention,” but it’s far deeper than that. Rather than self-harm being someone just “craving attention,” it’s oftentimes a cry for help. But, how do you even go about getting help if you realize that someone you know engages in self-harm?
I spoke with cognitive behavioral expert Lindsey Gray to break down how you can recognize the signs, approach the conversation gently, and support your friend in finding the help they truly need.
Notice The Warning Signs.
If you suspect that your friend may be self-harming, it’s important to recognize the warning signs. While noticing old or new scars might be the most obvious indicator of self-harm, the signs can go deeper. According to Gray, there are three main categories of warning signs: “physical warning signs, emotional warning signs, and behavioral warning signs.” Gray explains that physical warning signs include visible self-harm, but they can also involve changes in appearance to cover up scars, avoiding warm environments or dressing rooms to hide scars, and wearing bandages without explanation. A drastic change in weight can also be a sign of self-harm.
Emotional warning signs can be more difficult to recognize, but it’s critical to pay attention to them. According to Her Campus’s 2025 Mental Health survey of over 500 Gen Zers, over half (54%) of respondents have been diagnosed with or believe that they have a mental health condition — with 9 in 10 of those folks saying they have anxiety, and more than 6 in 10 say they have depression. If your friend expresses feelings of hopelessness, saying things like “I just don’t feel like trying anymore,” to “Life is so hopeless,” then this is when we need to listen closely and ask questions, Gray advises. While it might be easy to dismiss their words as being “dramatic” or just them having a “bad day,” there could be something more serious going on.
Behavioral warning signs are incredibly significant and should not be overlooked. Gray explains that these can include a friend “pulling away, isolating, lashing out at perceivably small things, or sleeping too much or too little.” While these behaviors may not seem alarming on their own, they can be “big warning signs that something is off and someone needs support,” Gray says.
Start softly and build trust.
If you discover that your friend is self-harming, they may not feel comfortable opening up to you. This is why it’s so important to start softly and build trust by reminding them that “you care about them and that you are a safe person for them to confide in,” Gray explains. Sometimes, just knowing that someone cares can be the first step towards recovery. By building trust, you can eventually guide your friend to get the help and support that they may need. It’s crucial to “stay calm, caring, and non-judgmental while asking them gentle, but blunt questions.” Creating a safe space for open conversation can make such a huge difference in helping them feel seen and heard.
Do Everything You Can To Make Your Friend Feel Loved, Supported, And Cared For.
Gray explains that the Mental Health First Aid gives an incredibly useful acronym to help guide your response if your friend confides in you about: ALGEE. “A (Approach/Assess) L (Listen) G (Give Reassurance) E (Encourage professional help) E (Encourage self-care),” Gray says. When talking to your friend about their self-harming behaviors, it’s crucial to learn if their behavior is current or in the past. If it’s recent, it’s crucial to reach out to a professional who can provide the appropriate help and guidance that your friend needs.
Gray explains that when approached with moral situations like this, where a friend opens up to you but begs you not to tell anyone, she uses this statement: “If your best friend came to you and told you they were in danger, would you just give ‘em a thumbs up and say ‘cool’? Or would you do everything you could to help them feel loved, supported, and cared for?” While it may seem easy to brush your friend’s self-harm patterns to the side, telling yourself that it’s “not that big of a deal,” it’s important to recognize that their pain is real and they may need support whether they want it or not.
When a friend is suffering from suicidal or depressive thoughts, it can be hard for them to focus on anything other than self-harm as a way to cope with the pain. This is why it’s so important to offer alternative coping skills that might help them. While everyone has different coping skills that work for them, there are still a variety that could potentially be useful for someone struggling with self-harming tendencies. Gray suggests coping skills such as building a playlist of uplifting songs, going for a walk, punching a pillow, or writing, whether it’s a heartfelt letter or a doodle of abstract drawings.
Help your friend find the support they need.
If you have concerns about someone’s safety, that’s when you should immediately reach out to their guardian, counselor, or doctor, Gray explains. Additionally, there are a variety of self-help lines that you can reach out to — by dialing 988, texting “Connect” to 741741, or even going on the Crisis Hotline website, you can get your friend all of the support and help they may need.
Supporting a friend who is self-harming can honestly feel really overwhelming and scary, but simply being there for them can make such a huge difference. And if you feel unsure of what to do, always remember that there are resources available to help guide you. All that matters is that you show up for your friend and offer support, even if you’re not sure quite what to do.
If you or someone you know is considering self-harm or experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741.