Content warning: This story mentions gun violence.
On Dec. 14, millions of people across the globe began the first night of Hanukkah celebrations, gathering to enjoy time with loved ones, songs and blessing, and great food. However, one of these gatherings was instead met with deep tragedy, as two gunmen opened fire at a Hanukkah event on Bondi Beach in Sydney, Australia. The terrorist attack left 15 dead, dozens more injured, and an entire global community in mourning. This news came just hours after a deadly school shooting at Brown University, leaving many reeling as they process one distressing situation after another.
Navigating a time that should be filled with joy, but is now marked with unspeakable trauma, can feel overwhelming, confusing, and maybe even impossible. But grief and celebration do not have to be mutually exclusive — in fact, they can actually go hand in hand. “A tragedy can be processed and integrated through celebration,” licensed psychologist Dr. David Tzall tells Her Campus. “Engaging in ritual and celebration is a defiant affirmation of life, culture, and faith in the face of those who sought to diminish it.”
But how can you celebrate while also holding space for trauma? If you’ve found yourself distressed or confused after recent events and are struggling to navigate Hanukkah, or celebrations of any kind this time of year, there are steps you can take to process grief while still honoring the meaningful traditions in your life.
Feel Your Feelings — All Of Them
After a major tragedy, you might be inclined to try to avoid your emotions, especially if you have other things to focus on, like an upcoming event. This can be especially true when you’re feeling conflicting feelings — such as sadness, anxiety, and confusion — all at once. But according to Tzall, doing so can ultimately make the healing process more difficult. “Designate time with each emotion and give each one grace,” Tzall says. “If we believe that one emotion is more important or pertinent than another, we start to crowd out emotions, leading to shame and denial. All emotions during this period are valid and need to be honored. Let yourself know that it makes sense to feel this way and that one [emotion] should not take center stage over another.”
Acknowledge Your Fear, But Don’t Let It Take Over
If the shooting at Bondi Beach has you questioning whether you should attend a Hanukkah gathering of your own, that’s understandable. “Fear is a natural emotion when we believe something threatening is within striking distance,” Tzall says. That said, it’s important to not let the feeling consume you. “We want to be vigilant about threats, but not hypervigilant, where we cannot relax and always feel on edge,” Tzall says. “Recognizing that we can’t control everything prepares us to be flexible in situations outside of our grasp.”
There are things you can do to ease your fears without completely missing out on a celebration. “When going out, you can inquire about security measures, go with a group, have a communication plan, and be aware of exits,” Tzall recommends. “This can restore a sense of agency.”
Know When You Need To Sit Something Out
During the holidays, it’s common to feel pressure to attend an event, even when you’re struggling. Although spending time with loved ones during this time can provide much-needed support following a tragedy, Tzall acknowledges there are time when you actually may need to sit something out. “It is advisable to reconsider plans if the fear is so overwhelming it causes panic attacks or severe distress, [or if] there is a specific, credible threat to a particular event or location, and attending would feel like a traumatic re-enactment.” Basically, trust your gut and honor your feelings.
Lean On Your Community
Celebrations are an opportunity to connect with your friends, family, and community — and oftentimes, these are the same people you rely on when going through something tough. Sharing in your conflicting feelings of sadness and joy through cultural celebrations can actually be incredibly healing. “Shared rituals create a container for communal grief and hope,” Tzall says. “Conscious celebration helps create new, positive neuro associations. We learn to have corrective emotional experiences that challenge outdated, rigid beliefs that tragedy needs to bring us down.”
Understand There Is No “Right” Way To Celebrate Or Grieve
Navigating celebration amid a tragedy might be new territory for some people, and you might find yourself questioning the way you’re handling it. But the truth is, there’s not a one-size-fits-all answer. As Tzall puts it, “The best thing a person can do is to try and unburden themselves from the belief that it needs to be done a ‘right’ way.”