Navigating boundaries and trust in romantic relationships always comes with its own challenges, but when it comes to dealing with ex-hookups, things can become even more complicated. Inviting ex-partners into your and your partner’s friend circles can stir up feelings of insecurity and uncertainty, which is why it’s essential to approach these scenarios with care and sensitivity. So, what do you do when your partner is still friends with a past hookup?
Maintaining a friendship with an ex-partner, or even an ex-hookup, can be extremely delicate: While some individuals successfully transition from romantic or sexual partners to platonic friends, others find themselves navigating the challenges and uncertainties of old wounds and past memories. Now, add a newer romantic relationship to the mix and the water gets even dicier.
Feeling uncomfortable or insecure about your partner’s relationship with an ex-hookup is entirely valid. So, balancing these friendships while building new, healthy ones can turn into an emotional juggling act.
But by understanding the emotions and the intentions of your current partner, a successful relationship is always possible. To gain more insight, I spoke to relationship expert and coach, Jessica Alderson about how to deal with this tricky situation.
Is it normal to be uncomfortable with your partner maintaining a friendship with an ex-hookup?
Every relationship is different when it comes to discomfort surrounding ex-partners or FWBs. “Different people have different boundaries and expectations when it comes to relationships, and that includes friendships with exes,” Alderson tells Her Campus. “There isn’t a universal ‘normal’ in these matters, as what works for one couple may not work for another.”
She explains that, for some people, all it takes is trust and open communication, while “others may feel uneasy about it due to concerns about lingering feelings or potential complications.”
“In some cases, people project their own experiences or perceptions about ex-hookup friendships onto their partner,” Alderson says. “For example, if they find it difficult to imagine being friends with an ex-hookup, they might struggle to understand why their partner would want to maintain that type of friendship. Likewise, if someone maintains healthy and platonic friendships with their exes, they can be more likely to feel comfortable with their partner doing the same.”
Still, feeling uncomfortable when your partner is friends with their ex is the more common reaction. Addressing these feelings will depend on each individual relationship, as well.
How can you prevent healthy concerns from turning into unhealthy paranoia?
Regardless of the state of your relationship, it is always important to have a life outside of your relationship. But in situations like these, “having a sense of fulfillment and happiness in other areas of your life will help prevent excessive focus on your partner’s friendship with an ex-hookup,” Alderson explains. “Not only will this benefit your relationship, but it will also benefit your overall well-being. It really is a win-win situation.”
Still, self-reflection will be your best friend during times like this. Ask yourself: Are your concerns based on your own ex’s behavior? Are you projecting your own insecurities onto your partner? Are there genuine red flags?
“Understanding the source of your discomfort can help you address it more effectively,” Alderson says. However, “if the paranoia is impacting your everyday life, professional guidance can provide valuable insights and coping strategies.”
How can you gracefully handle a situation where your partner is still friends with their ex-hookups?
While it may be uncomfortable at first, there are ways to navigate this relationship.“First and foremost,” Alderson states, “it is essential to communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings and concerns. It can be helpful to express what specifically makes you uncomfortable about the friendship, such as certain behavior or your own past experiences.”
Setting boundaries is also important: “Having agreed-upon guidelines can provide a sense of security and minimize the chance of misunderstandings,” Alderson explains. Discuss what behaviors are acceptable and what crosses the line for you, taking into account each other’s feelings and comfort levels.
The key, Alderson suggests, is to discuss feelings, expectations, and boundaries with each other in order to maintain a healthy understanding of each other’s intentions.
By openly expressing your feelings, setting mutual boundaries, and fostering trust, you can navigate this complex terrain together and strengthen your bond in the process. Although every relationship is unique, it’s crucial to honor your emotions and the boundaries of your partner. Trust your instincts, lean on each other for support, and approach the situation with a commitment to mutual understanding and growth!