Firsts are freaky, but they don’t have to be. In Her Campus’ series My First Time, we’re answering the burning questions you might be uncomfortable asking about IRL. In this article, we tackle seeing an ex for the first time post-breakup.
Although I’ve been with my boyfriend since high school, I’ve heard countless stories from my friends and roommates about seeing one of their exes for the first time after a breakup at some place like the gym or just walking on campus. I can feel the awkward tension from their crossed paths just from the way the situations are described to me, and I definitely don’t envy anyone who experiences that.
Honestly, I duck and cover when I see someone who I’m not super familiar with outside of class, I really can’t imagine having to see someone like an ex just casually walking right across the street from me.
Running into an ex is bound to happen, especially on a college campus, but that doesn’t mean it’s a necessarily enjoyable experience. Sure, maybe sometimes you’ll strike up a nice conversation about classes or mutual friends, but that first encounter can also feel exceptionally strange and anxiety-filled.
There isn’t necessarily a step-by-step guide on how to interact with an ex once you see them for the first time after a breakup, but I do have some good news for you. I spoke with two experts — Tracy Schorn and Dana Hall — about how to cope with seeing an ex for the first time, and here’s what they told me.
The way you interact depends on the way you left off.
Listen, your options are: go no contact and avoid all forms of contact, or have an awkward encounter. But how can you tell which to choose? According to the experts, it depends on how your relationship ended.
“A cheating ex-boyfriend? Ignore him, no contact is best for your sanity,” says Tracy Schorn, author of Chump Lady. “Someone you were married to and had children with? Basic civility.”
So, obviously, none of my close friends were married with children, but honestly being in a long-term relationship with pets involved is basically the same thing.
Regardless of whether or not you were married with children, it’s a pretty simple rule to follow. Think about it, a cheater doesn’t deserve your time or energy. But someone who it just didn’t work out with, but there weren’t any red flags or betrayals? A simple wave will do.
If you’re forced to actually interact with an ex — here’s what to do.
Sometimes a wave isn’t enough, like if you’re in a room with all of your close friends (whom you unfortunately share with your ex). You don’t want to make it awkward for everyone else, but you’re definitely unsure of what to do.
“If direct interaction is unavoidable, approach your ex with a polite smile and open body language,” says Dana Hall, a therapist specializing in relational issues. “Ask one or two open-ended questions about their current life, such as classes or work, steering clear of topics related to your past relationship.”
What’s the number one thing you don’t want to do, you ask? You definitely do not want to be the crazy ex in any scenario. Because once you have that label, you’re literally never going to get rid of it.
“If you have a fantasy of telling them off in a public sphere for all their relationship crimes? Resist the urge,” Schorn says. “Yes, even if they’re guilty of said crimes. It just makes you look like a loon and solidifies the narrative of the Tragic Ex Who Can’t Get Over Them.”
Remember, there are no obligations anymore.
Once you’re broken up, it’s done. Regardless of how awkward an interaction might be, you don’t owe it to your ex to keep the conversation going. If you want to walk away, that’s your right.
“Keep the conversation light and be mindful of the adjusted boundaries; there’s no obligation to share anything uncomfortable or personal,” Hall says. “After a brief catch-up, express that it was nice seeing them and wish them well.”
It’s understandable that in group settings you might want to keep the peace and maintain the facade that you’re doing fine, but it’s alright to not feel fine at all.
Seeing an ex for the first time is nerve-wracking, no matter how long you were together. After the awkward encounter, it’s time to meet up with your best friends and debrief the encounter, and let’s be honest — a good debrief makes any stressful or strange situation a little more worth it.