Have you ever been in a situation where things are really heating up, but then your partner just… can’t finish? Yeah, it happens more than you’d think. And honestly, it can leave you feeling frustrated, confused, or maybe even wondering if you’re doing something wrong. If you’re in a long-term relationship or just casually dating, it’s easy to start asking: Is this on me? Or is there something else at play?
Look, no one’s saying you’ve got to be a sex expert, but it’s completely normal to feel frustrated or a little insecure when things don’t go as planned. But before you start overthinking, sex isn’t just a checklist of moves, and it definitely isn’t as simple as the myths you’ve heard. The truth is, there are a bunch of reasons why your partner might be struggling to finish, and many of them are complicated. And guess what? It’s not always about you or a lack of chemistry. Whether it’s anxiety, stress, emotional disconnect, or even physical health, all of these things can play a major part in the moment.
So, before you start questioning everything, take a deep breath. Understanding what’s behind it — and knowing how to work through it together — can actually bring you closer. I’m about to break it down and offer some expert advice from Dr. Marisa T. Cohen, a dating and relationship expert at Hily, and Kristin Anderson, a Licensed Psychotherapist and founder of Madison Square Psychotherapy, on how to keep things flowing. No pun intended.
Focus on the experience itself.
Forget what you’ve been told about sex. “It’s important to get rid of the ‘shoulds’ when it comes to sex,” Cohen tells Her Campus. “Many people get stuck on what they feel should be happening, in terms of frequency, desire match, or what it entails. If you and your partner are having an enjoyable experience, take the pressure off.” Sexual satisfaction isn’t just about orgasm. If you and your partner are vibing, that’s the win.
As Anderson points out, intimacy is bigger than you think. Not every experience needs a perfect climax. “Depending on the reason why one partner isn’t orgasming regularly, it’s a possibility that this may not be something that can be ‘fixed’ so that it doesn’t continue to happen,” says Anderson. Sometimes, it’s not about fixing anything — it’s about realizing that orgasms aren’t the only measure of a great time. Have fun in the moment.
Center the conversation around pleasure and not performance.
Let’s be real for a sec: talking about sex can be awkward. It takes vulnerability, and sometimes, that’s just not something we’re used to. According to Cohen, “Approach the conversation at a time in which you are both able to engage in discussion, and not right after you’ve just had sex. You don’t want to appear to be shaming your partner.”
Pick a time when there’s no pressure to just talk. “I encourage couples to talk about all of the things that they enjoy sexually together and focus on the sexual pleasure they are experiencing, climax or not,” Anderson says. So, really — chat about what feels good and what gets you both there.
Start from curiosity, not shame.
And speaking of how you can open up the convo, Cohen says “You want to approach the conversation compassionately and with curiosity, rather than with judgment.” Instead of jumping to conclusions or feeling like something’s wrong, try asking questions with a sense of wonder. Like, ‘What’s going on here?’ rather than ‘What’s wrong with me?’ or ‘Is my partner not into me?’ Cohen also acknowledges, “You can also use this part of the conversation to problem solve and discuss ways to make the experience better for the both of you.”
It’s easy to spiral into feeling like something’s broken when these issues keep popping up. But reframing the situation as a ‘we’re in this together’ moment helps break that shame cycle. “I always encourage my clients to try to come from a place of genuine curiosity and a desire to approach this struggle as a team instead,” Anderson says. “That gentle reframe can help to really open the door to transparent communication about what’s happening, which is the first step to moving forward.”
Next time things don’t go as planned in the bedroom, don’t panic. The goal is to connect and vibe with your partner, not tick off some checklist of “shoulds.” Pleasure always comes before performance. Approach it with curiosity, drop the shame, and have those open, honest chats. When you’re both on the same page, the journey can be just as rewarding, if not more, than the destination. Seriously, let go of the pressure, and enjoy the ride (literally).