The only thing that hurts worse in a breakup than “It’s not you, it’s me” is hearing someone say that you were the right person at the wrong time. (Oof, I feel a knife to the heart just writing it.) While breakups that come as a result of constant fighting and disagreements sting, what about those splits that end amicably? You know, the ones where the only thing that went wrong was the timing?
Maybe it was the result of sudden career growth, or the realization that you can’t commit enough time to a relationship no matter how hard you try. Regardless of the reasoning, these breakups can hurt even more than the ones that come with bad blood — and they’re more common than you’d think. Recently, social media star Alix Earle opened up about her breakup with NFL player Braxton Berrios on TikTok, citing their respective growth and commitments as the reason for ending their two-year relationship.
Navigating a breakup that’s a result of a “right person, wrong time” situation is tough, and it may require a different approach. (Because if your ex was actually super great, there’s really no reason to scream-cry to songs about hating them, right?) So, I spoke to DatingAdvice.com‘s resident AASECT-certified sexologist Natassia Miller about how you can heal from a breakup that happened with the right person at the wrong time, no scream-crying needed.
Why do the “right person, wrong time” breakups hurt more?
In simpler terms, Miller says that the “‘right person, wrong time’ is the heartbreak that hits when the love is real, but the reality of your lives just doesn’t line up.” She adds, “Think long distance, totally different cities or career paths, clashing priorities, or one person being in a massive growth era while the other needs stability.”
And, naturally, this kind of breakup has a tendency to hurt that much more. “It feels unfair precisely because nothing ‘bad’ happened,” Miller says. “No cheating, no betrayal — just the slow realization that love alone is not enough to make a relationship sustainable.”
However, Staying In That Relationship Can Hurt You More.
So, if nothing is technically “wrong” in terms of attraction and, well, love, then why even break up in the first place? “Research on breakups in emerging adults shows that clinging to a relationship you can’t fully be in — especially if you can’t accept that it’s over — predicts more depression and anxiety and keeps you stuck in distress longer,” Miller says. “Staying just because you’re in love can quietly turn that love into resentment when your needs constantly go unmet. When timing is off, one or both people end up chronically under-nourished, feeling lonely and anxious. Over time, that can tank self-esteem and mental health in ways that are just as painful as a betrayal.”
And while breaking things off can be hard, it’s actually the best thing you can do for your relationship and yourself. “Ending it, even while you still care, is a way of saying, ‘Both of us deserve a relationship that actually fits our lives right now,’ and that’s an act of care, not failure,” Miller adds.
So, How Do You HeaL from a “right person, wrong Time” breakup?
I get it. Ending a relationship you thought would last is nothing short of brutal — especially emotionally. “Healing from a ‘right person, wrong time’ breakup hurts in a very specific way because you’re not just grieving what you had — you’re grieving the future story you thought you were writing together,” Miller says. “That’s why your brain keeps replaying memories and spinning ‘what if’ scenarios.”
Moving forward can feel impossible, but in time (and with healthy coping mechanisms), you’ll be able to make it through. But first, you’re going to need to take the breakup seriously — meaning it might be best to cut ties. “Let yourself actually grieve, and don’t just stay friends,” Miller says. “Studies suggest that people with a hard time accepting a breakup stay sadder for longer — trying to keep them close too soon can feed that non-acceptance. A period of low or no contact, at least 30–60 days, gives your nervous system space to recalibrate.”
Additionally, take this as a time to reflect inward, and on the relationship. “Shift from ‘what if’ to ‘what is,'” Miller says. “Journaling about why the relationship didn’t work in this season (distance, emotional bandwidth, conflicting goals) helps your brain update the story from ‘we were perfect’ to ‘we were real and also limited,’ which is key for healing.”
Finally, try not to place blame on any party (well, except for the universe) when thinking about the breakup. “Use healthy coping, not self-punishment,” Miller says. “Longitudinal research on young adults shows that coping by blaming or punishing yourself (replaying your ‘mistakes’ nonstop) is linked to worse depression and anxiety after a breakup, while coping that includes acceptance, reframing, and optimism helps you recover better.” Think of tools like therapy, talking it out with friends and family, and slowly building a life that excites you again through hobbies and other ways to pass the time.
Is there Any Way To Reconnect?
Miller’s advice? It’s something I want tattooed on me: “You do not automatically owe the relationship a sequel just because you loved each other once.”
She adds, “The real question is not if you still care, but rather has anything changed? If distance, mental health, or life chaos are still the same, you’re not in a new chapter. You’re in a rerun.”
Before trying again, when things are boding better for both of you, Miller recommends taking a step back to think. “Are you both emotionally available and willing to do things differently? If you reconnect without new skills — better communication, clearer boundaries, more honest conversations — you’re likely to recreate the same breakup,” she says.
Additionally, Miller says to ask yourself if getting back together supports the life you’re building, not derails it. “If reconnecting would pull you away from your own growth, friendships, or goals that matter deeply, timing may still be off, even if the love is still there,” Miller says.
And, if things do work out? “If you do choose to reconnect, treating it like a new relationship — not a continuation —can be grounding,” Miller says. “Talk explicitly about what was hard last time, what’s different now, and what you both need going forward. If those conversations feel impossible, that in itself is an answer.”