What To Do When A Friend Triggers Your Eating Disorder, From 2 Experts

Content warning: This article discusses eating disorders. 

Navigating friendships when you’re recovering from an eating disorder can be tricky, TBH. Some friends can be your biggest cheerleaders and will hype you up and support you through anything, but others? It can get complicated. Maybe they’re constantly talking about their latest diet, obsessing over calories, or frequently saying they’re “so bad” for eating a cookie. Even if they aren’t intentionally doing it, their words and actions can still take a toll on your recovery. 

It’s frustrating because, on the one hand, you don’t want to be that person who makes a big deal out of everything. But on the other person, you know deep down that you can’t ignore it when your friend is negatively impacting your recovery process. And let’s be real — just because they don’t mean to be triggering doesn’t make it any less exhausting to deal with.

So, what do you do when someone close to you is unknowingly triggering your eating disorder? Do you try to ignore it? Do you call them out? Distance yourself? I talked to eating disorder therapists Sarah Herstich and Rachel Goldberg to find the best ways to handle these moments while protecting your peace and prioritizing your healing. Because this year, it’s time to set boundaries, speak up for yourself, and put your needs first.

Sometimes, you need to distance yourself.

This is honestly never an easy decision to make, especially if it’s a close friend. Maybe you’ve been trying to ignore the triggers, but what do you do when it doesn’t work? At that point, it’s time to prioritize yourself and your health. “Your eating disorder recovery is already challenging enough,” Goldberg says. “The more you can minimize the triggers, the better.” While it may feel harsh, it’s important to recognize when the friendship may be hurting your progress. 

“It’s important to hold that your well-being is most important, and sometimes protecting your healing means taking a step back from people,” Herstich explains. If you find yourself constantly being triggered by a friend’s eating habits or behavior, despite your best efforts of trying to ignore their patterns of behavior, then that’s when it’s time to think about what’s best for you and your mental health. Recovery can be really difficult, and it isn’t any easier when you’re surrounded by people who are stunting your growth. Maintaining distance from friends that trigger your eating disorder honestly may be what’s best for you and your mental health.

It can honestly be tricky to identify when a friend is negatively affecting your progress. However, “your feelings after spending time with a friend can be a powerful indication if actions are negatively affecting your recovery,” Herstich shares. Whether you’re experiencing negative emotions and an increase in stress, or if you’re finding yourself restricting more or even changing the way you dress, these may be signs that your friendship is doing more harm than good. “Your recovery should be nurtured, not undermined, by those around you,” Herstich explains.

Practice grounding techniques.

So, your friend is triggering you, and taking deep breaths just isn’t quite working. What do you do? There are honestly so many different coping skills to utilize, it really just takes time to figure out what works best for you. Starting with responding to your friend and saying something like, “That sounds like an unhealthy way to approach it,” followed by how you see things differently, can rationalize both your thoughts and your friend’s thoughts, Goldberg shares.

Grounding techniques can really help one regain access to the “here and now,” Herstich explains. Whether it’s taking some time to notice your environment, leaving the room to ground yourself, working on breathing techniques, practicing affirmations, or even focusing on physical sensations, there are so many ways to cope with triggers. “Moving through triggers and settling back into a recovery-focused path can take time and practice, but be gentle and compassionate with yourself,” Herstich says. The more you can identify your triggers, the more they’ll eventually lose their power over you. 

Communicate boundaries.

Before choosing to rethink a friendship, it’s important to communicate boundaries first, IMO. While it may seem scary to communicate boundaries to a friend, it’s crucial to do what’s best for you and your well-being. It can honestly be really useful to be specific in the time and place that you choose to communicate, as well as utilizing “I” statements when discussing needs. Additionally, choosing a calm and private moment is the best way to approach this sort of conversation. “It’s OK to be firm so you can create an environment and relationships where your healing can be the priority,” Herstich advises.

And if your friend doesn’t respect your boundaries?

If your friend doesn’t care about your well-being or progress, then it’s a sign to kick them to the curb. “It’s painful when someone you care about dismisses your feelings or boundaries,” Herstich explains. In that case, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship, because “your healing process deserves respect and support.” 

In situations like this, where your friend doesn’t seem to care about your concerns and recovery, it’s time to prioritize yourself and your needs. Surround yourself with people who uplift and validate you and your healing process, not ones who make you feel unheard and triggered. 

In all, it’s important to do what’s best for your recovery. Whether this means having tough conversations with close friends that might be triggering you, or ending relationships because friends continuously seem to set you back and trigger you, prioritizing your well-being should always come first, even if it means making difficult decisions for the sake of your healing.

If you or someone you know has an eating disorder and needs help, call the National Eating Disorders Association helpline at 1-800-931-2237, text 741741, or chat online with a Helpline volunteer here.

• mental health
• neda
• recovery
• wellness