Firsts are freaky, but they don’t have to be. In Her Campus’ series My First Time, we’re answering the burning questions you might be uncomfortable asking about IRL. In this article, we tackle what you need to know before having your first one-night stand.
The walk of shame, the booty call, the fleeting encounter: We’ve all heard these terms before, often loaded with judgment and whispered with either disdain or a hint of envious thrill. The one-night stand, a seemingly simple act of spontaneous intimacy, is anything but. It’s a complex experience woven with threads of desire, vulnerability, expectation, and sometimes, a healthy dose of awkwardness.
For decades, the one-night stand has existed in the shadowy corners of our social lives, a topic often relegated to hushed conversations amongst friends or dramatized for comedic effect on screen. It’s a space where societal expectations of courtship and commitment clash with the primal urges of physical attraction and the desire for immediate gratification. The rules, if there are any, are often unspoken and ever shifting, leaving individuals navigating a landscape fraught with potential pitfalls and unexpected emotional terrain. Is there any preparation for a one-night stand? Do we text them the morning after or wait for them to text us? What happens the morning after?
We spoke with two sexperts — Dr. Betsy Chung, a clinical psychologist relationship expert at RAW dating app and Dr. Holly Wood, Sexologist at Bedbible.com — to answer these burning questions… and more.
Preparation is key.
While the spontaneity of a one night stand can be thrilling, a little preparation can go a long way in ensuring a positive experience. Beyond the obvious (like practicing safe sex and having protection readily available), let’s consider the less tangible aspects. Think about your comfort level with different scenarios. “Some things to consider might be your boundaries,” Chung says. “Think about what you’re comfortable with, what you’re not comfortable with, and how to communicate those things to the one-night-stand partner.” Having a mental plan for any possible situation that could happen can help you navigate them with more confidence.
It’s so important for you to be clear about what you’re comfortable with, both physically and emotionally, and to be prepared to express those boundaries respectfully, but firmly.
Prepping for a one night stand can also mean acknowledging the potential emotional aftermath. One night stands, while often perceived as purely physical, can still involve a range of emotions. “Take some time to reflect on how you feel about engaging in a one-night stand,” Wood says. It’s important to consider how you typically process emotions and have a few self-care strategies ready to go. Remember, there’s no right or wrong way to feel after a one night stand, and prioritizing your emotional well-being is just as important as protecting your physical health.
It’s easy to get caught up in the fun and excitement of the situation, but always remember to put your safety first. “Let your friends know where you are going. Set up some safety precautions with someone you trust by letting them know where you are going and setting a time to check in to ensure your safety,” Wood says. “Share your location, if possible!” It’s important to let a trusted friend know your plans, including where you’re going to be and who you’ll be with. If you’re going to someone’s place, have a plan for how you’ll get home, whether it’s driving yourself, calling an Uber, or having a friend on standby. This isn’t about being distrustful, it’s about ensuring your safety.
But, what about the morning after?
The morning after a one night stand can be a pitfall of emotions, from exhilaration and satisfaction to awkwardness and regret. Navigating this terrain gracefully is key to creating a positive experience, regardless of how you ultimately feel about the encounter. First and foremost, prioritize your comfort. “If you spend the night together, part with kindness and honesty,” Wood says. “Tell them thank you for the night and ensure you or they have a safe way home.” There’s no obligation at all to linger or engage in prolonged small talk if you’re not feeling it. On the other hand, if you enjoyed the company and the connection, a brief, genuine expression of that sentiment would be appreciated.
Beyond the immediate interaction, consider your own physical and emotional well-being. “If it’s simply an isolated incident and you don’t plan to see the person again, you might want to schedule an appointment to test yourself for Sexually Transmitted Disease, and if a woman, take the morning after pill if you did not use protection,” Chung says. “Emotionally, if it was the first time you ever had one, or you had any unpleasant feelings about it, it might be a good idea to do some self-reflection or even confide in a friend to process the event.”
It’s completely normal to experience a range of feelings after a one night stand, and there’s no right or wrong way to feel or deal with them. Allow yourself to process whatever emotions arise without judgement. “There’s no need to sort through all of this right away, but it’s good to engage in some self-reflection after trying anything new,” Wood says. Ultimately, the morning after is about reclaiming your own space and ensuring your own emotional and physical well-being.
To Text or not to text: The debate, settled.
In all honesty, whether you text your one-night stand all depends on you. The question of whether or not to text after a one night stand is a modern day conundrum, filled with potential for misinterpretation and emotional fallout. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, as the “rules” of engagements are as varied as the people involved. Ultimately, the decision rests on the specific dynamics of the encounter and the unspoken understanding (or misunderstanding) between the two people.
“If the one-night stand was truly meant to be a one-time thing, and that was clearly established in the boundaries in the beginning, there’s no obligation to follow up unless you want to,” Wood says. “If you are interested in reconnecting or continuing beyond the one-night stand, you can absolutely reach out, but be prepared to receive any (or no) text response if following up was not in the pre-established boundaries.”
Overthinking the text or trying to force a connection that wasn’t there can lead to hurt feelings. Sometimes, the most respectful approach is simply to let the experience be what it was: a fleeting moment in time.
After care is crucial.
Post-connection care can take many forms and it all depends on what makes you feel good. “Take care of yourself,” Wood says. “Whether that means, shower, rest up, re-hydrate, ice any sore spots, or lounge around after a wild night. If you have concerns about your sexual health (maybe because birth control wasn’t used or failed), consider getting tested or looking into Plan B.”
The truth is, the morning after a one-night stand can be difficult. Regardless of how you’re feeling, self-care is crucial and should not be skipped. This isn’t just about the physical, but also about nurturing your emotional and mental well-being. “It could be a good idea to self-reflect on how you feel about them moving forward,” Chung says. Acknowledging and validating your emotions is the first step.
Whether you’re feeling on top of the world or a little vulnerable, remember that your feelings are valid and natural. “Be kind to yourself,” Wood says. “Take that time to reflect, avoid self-criticism or overthinking. One-night stands can be a normal, healthy part of exploring intimacy, especially when approached thoughtfully, with an emphasis on consent, communication, and self-awareness.”
Navigating the world of one night stands can feel like crossing a minefield of unspoken rules and potential emotional pitfalls. While the allure of spontaneous connection and physical intimacy can be powerful, it’s important to approach these encounters with awareness and a focus on your own well-being. In the end, the success of a first one night stand hinges on clear communication, mutual respect, and a strong sense of self.
Prioritizing your comfort level, understanding your boundaries, and being honest with yourself and your partner (even if only for one night) are paramount. Remember, pleasure and connection don’t have to come at the expense of your emotional or physical health.
If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org.