TW: Mention of suicide, mention of self harm
A couple of weeks ago I was post-suicide attempt, staring down at the shower cap-esque hospital shoes I was given to by a stout, frazzled psychiatrist. There are many times in my life that I should’ve gone to inpatient care but decided against it. Sometimes I was scared, sometimes they told me I had to wait two days to get a bed, sometimes I had to choose between getting my stomach pumped and finishing my grade 10 English essay. Either way, there was always an excuse.
Drawing by Haley O’Halloran
Don’t ask me why I’m writing this. Hopefully it helps one of you. Or a few of you. It will most likely just embarrass me. But what exactly does one do when they have an assignment due at 9:30 in the morning colliding with a heavy desire to die every single second?
After they sent me home (deeming me “safe”) from the hospital, I was in indescribable pain, knowing that I would have to face the stress of being human, and a student, once again. There never seems to be a break. But a break doesn’t always exist in the form of content solitude. A break can be focusing on the meal you’re eating, or talking to your friend about their recent family visit, or watching a movie that makes you cry every time but you rejoice in your stained cheeks because at least a little bit of light is still in there. At least there is something.
Drawing by Haley O’Halloran
You can take a day off. Work on what has been stressing you out and throw a party consisting of your own crooked smile at the end of a long day. Your stability overpowers any professor’s condescending annoyance.
Call a family member if you can. If you’re scared (which is never synonymous with weak), just check up on them. Ask about your hometown, ask about their pets, ask them to tell you a story. Try to see if there is anyone near you, family, friend, or significant other, who you can sit down with and watch TV or go for a walk. Cool air is always nice for an overheated mind.
Drawing by Haley O’Halloran
Lastly, you don’t owe anyone anything. Give yourself time. Talk to those around you so they’re aware that you might take a bit longer than others to finish an assignment or leave your room. Ground yourself and find what you like in the things around you. A person can never be full of too much love, and remember that we want you here. I want you here.
I will leave you with an excerpt from “The Madness Vase” by Andrea Gibson, a poem that has saved me many times:
“Let me say right now for the record:
I’m still gonna be here
asking this world to dance.
Even if it keeps stepping on my holy feet.
You, you stay here with me, okay?
You stay here with me. Raising
your bite against the bitter dark,
your bright longing,
your brilliant fists of loss.
Friend, if the only thing we have to gain in staying
is each other, my god that is plenty.
My god that is enough.
My god, that is so, so much for the light to give.
Each of us at each other’s backs
whispering over and over and over,
Live. Live.
Live.”