This week, I have had multiple emotional breakdowns. I have broken down in tears at Grainger, at Helen C. White and walking back from class. I don’t exactly know what the cause of my tears was, but I knew one thing for sure — this was not my week.
College is stressful and painful, but it’s also fun and enjoyable. With the lack of game days, cold weather restricting my every move and my sleep level decreasing, college has resulted in my eyes constantly wanting to tear up. I love being here, and I love my friends, but it’s difficult to not want to scream at someone who says the wrong thing or a partner in a group project that has done absolutely no work. I’m trying to contain myself, but as a result, have broken myself. I never used to be emotional, and I still would not say that I am an emotional person, but I say that as my eyes water up, so honestly who knows. College shapes you and changes you, but at some points, it’s hard to be away from your friends and family back home.
Coming to college, I felt like I had to have a certain GPA, come out with a certain degree and find a good job right after graduation. I still want those things to happen, but that dream is getting harder and harder everyday. Classes are getting harder and friends are hard to keep in touch with. I don’t talk with many of my friends from freshman year. I ended some friendships because I decided our relationship was not worth my limited time, but for others college has made us so busy that it is almost impossible to meet up.
All I want to do is climb into bed and curl up in a fetal position. I have been in a slump where I get out of bed, swipe concealer under my eyes and grudgingly head to class. I hold my head as high as I can. I sit in lecture and take notes that I will have to review later because I’m not in the headspace to understand what’s happening at my 9:00 am class. I head to the library where I spend seven hours in a chair resulting in backache. I go back home dreading to studying for a midterm I should have prepared for weeks ago.
I have fallen into a routine of talking to the same people, going to the same places and eating the same food. Maybe my depressive state is my fault. Maybe I haven’t been trying hard enough in my friendships, in my classes, in my home life. But I have been trying.
This was just a bad week for me, and I’m sure I’ll have another bad week, but I have to look ahead and hope that things will get better. The semester is almost over. Winter break is almost upon us. I have a month to start fresh and get in a better headspace.
Feeling like your life is falling apart is normal and is not a bad thing. It’s just reality. Life isn’t perfect. You will have good days and bad. You are not alone.