Trigger warning: Discussion of mental health-related issues
I’ve recently made a pact to myself to be more open about my mental health and mental health issues. I figured, what better way to help normalize the conversation than to share my own experiences. I haven’t been doing too well with this, but I’ve gotten better.
This past year, the amazing writers of Her Campus Wilfrid Laurier have created so many unique and personal articles. I have seen them dig deep and give us some beautiful articles that show their vulnerable side. It inspired me to do the same, and now I have the chance to honour my pact with myself to talk about mental health.
It has been wonderful how so many people are opening up about their experiences with their mental health. It helps educate those around them and helps those who may be going through something similar. So now it is my turn.
I’m going to say things I never say out loud, and things I don’t really tell people.
I struggle with my mental health.
Some days, I don’t want to get out of bed. Some days, it feels like I have two weights tied around my ankles and I can barely walk around. I feel like a zombie. Some days it feels like there is just emptiness in my chest and I don’t have any energy to even smile. There was a time I felt a huge black cloud swirling around in my head and it only got darker and darker.
Then, there are these days when I can’t get out of bed, but my mind is running at a million miles per hour, reminding me of all the things I need to get done and guilt-tripping me for not doing them. I sometimes can’t sleep at night because my mind is racing about everything I need to do for school or for life, and then I spend the next day exhausted.
My mind yells at me for not doing things perfectly and tricks me into thinking anything I do is not good enough. I’ll study for a test for days, write it and do well, but while I’m waiting for those results, I only hear in my head that I failed, or I did poorly. Nothing I do is good enough for my own mind. Every time I speak, in class, in a meeting, for a video, I replay it over and over in my mind until I find something that I could’ve done better, then I criticize myself for it. I feel like I’m being judged for anything that I think went wrong.
I can’t handle when I feel like someone is upset with me, or when things don’t go as planned. This has taken a huge toll on me, especially this past year as things keep falling apart in my life in terms of my future goals and how everything is uncertain with the pandemic.
Then these criticisms, these guilt-trips, the constant state of worrying about practically everything, they put me right back into the dark cloud and I can’t get out of bed. And the cycle continues.
It’s draining to be in a constant battle with your thoughts.
And here’s for what I really don’t say out loud.
This isn’t even the worst of it. This has been an improvement from what I used to be. There was a time in my life where I was so tired and so stuck in that dark cloud, because of life instances and stuff happening around me, that I wanted to kill myself.
I didn’t, or else I wouldn’t be here to write you this article.
During that time, I felt like I had nobody, which wasn’t true. I did have people, and it’s those people that helped me get out of it. My family and friends, my support system, truly helped me. Them, and a song titled “Rise Up” by Andra Day. Music is powerful. I listened to that song daily and it really helped me to move past that point in my life. Her line, “I will rise, a thousand times again” actually inspired me to get a tattoo, “I will rise” on my forearm. With my friends and family, I rose past that time in my life, and I will rise a thousand times over anything.
While that is in my past, I still have to deal with my present.
My present is draining, but I am working on ways to deal with this. I see a therapist. I take medication. I use methods I learn from others to help. I take breaks and do things I enjoy (when time permits). Actually, just writing this article has helped because I really put my feelings into words. I am opening myself up, and I am letting myself be open to being judged and I’m letting myself be okay with it.
I have my boyfriend, my friends and my family to help support me as I navigate my way to bettering myself and my mental health. I’m trying the best I can, even though my mind doesn’t let me think that sometimes.
It may seem like a work in progress, but it’s actually progress at work.