Hey, thirteen-year-old me. Let’s talk.
The year is 2020, and you are now twenty-three years old… I thought it would be the perfect time to write this, because you had so many plans for this exact year and I’m excited to break it to you: none of them happened, except for one or two.
I am writing to you as I drink a mimosa at 10:30 PM because it was all I had available to me in our quaint east-end apartment, and after this crazy week, I needed one.
You are still in university, and have finally (in your third year) decided what you think you’d like to do for the rest of your life. As you know, you expected to be married by now with a house and a super cool life. Most of those things didn’t happen, and twenty-three-year-old you actually laughs at your sweet plans for us 10 years ago. You do live a super cool life, but at twenty-three you’re mostly terrified at the thought of buying a house and have seen what friends have gone through to pay for a wedding, so you don’t feel too bad about having put that off for a few more years. As you go through the next decade, you’ll find yourself remembering how you used to feel about things and smiling at how those feelings have changed. You were always so excited to grow up, and twenty-three-year-old you is still excited in many ways. It only feels right to let you know what is coming your way for the next decade. Because it is so, so much.
Thirteen-year-old me, you’re going to get hurt. You’re going to go through things you never imagined you ever would, and you have no option but to stand there and let it hit you like a ton of bricks. You’re going to learn that people in your life you never thought you’d lose, will be lost… People you thought you’d have around you forever, will slowly fade into fond memories. It happens, and it’s important to remember that it’s okay. You blame so much of this on yourself as you get older, and you’re going to constantly ask if you could’ve done more.
You did enough, and more importantly, you are enough. The things that are going to hurt you are facts of life and you just have to breathe in, breathe out and move on. You cling to this knowledge that things will get better, easier and brighter, and to this day I still don’t know where you obtained that knowledge. I have a feeling it’s just something Dad instilled within us from the moment you were born or maybe you have always been unusually wise, but either way, you will keep on shining. Twenty-three year-old you is beyond proud of that.
Even a decade later, you still don’t know where your soul and heart lies. This is forever going to drive you crazy but there comes a day where you learn to love this about yourself; it keeps you honest, happy and untamed in many ways which is important to you at twenty-three. After an interesting post-secondary school career, it turns out you were right all along: radio is the place for us. All of me wants you to stick with it, but the mature parts of me don’t, because that would mean you wouldn’t have the people in your life that you currently do and that’s more heartbreaking than the thousands of dollars spent on schooling. You end up finding it and it is everything you wanted and more.
I think the most important thing I can tell you as you go through the next 10 years is: don’t lose that sunshine you seem to spew constantly from the inside out. There will be people and events that will try and take that away from you and change your very essence, and please don’t ever let them. You’ll have close calls, but thankfully you have your lifelong friends and your family to keep you on track. Don’t stop being fierce. Don’t start to apologize for who you are and what you need to be happy. Don’t make yourself small to fit into someone else’s plans or ideas. Be exactly who you are, always: positive, sensitive, hard-working, kind, giving, bad-ass, strong, stubborn and unapologetic.
You are going to have doubts about yourself and be afraid of some things. You are going to have your heart broken on more than one occasion, and you are going to fall into a pit of negativity and uncertainty. Own it all and stand back up. Keep playing ball, it’s going to save you over and over again. Continue to fall in love. You only know one of these women so far, but thank Hope, Jenny, Emily and Nicole every chance you get because they are going to go to hell and back with you whenever you need them to (and you will need them). Do all the things that scare you and all the things that excite you. It’s all worth it.
Of all the things that didn’t happen, there is one thing you keep true for the next ten years: you have had one super cool life so far. Looking back to you, I realize you were so scared of forgetting your youth or missing it. You are always taking pictures and doing things just so you have stories to tell later; being absolutely petrified of the “what if” question. You end up turning this fear into something I love the most about yourself now: I live my life to the fullest. I am someone who can never say “what if” and I have the most wonderful and outrageous stories and memories.
So thank you, thirteen year-old me. You’re about to make a decade of the best decisions, because at the end of it all, I’ve done almost nothing of what you thought I would and I have loved every moment of it.
Happy thirteenth birthday.
Love,
Twenty-three year-old you.
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